Our Chance At Forever
by Togetherwedream
Summary: Can Brendan win his Steven back? This is my first full fanfic. I want to thank my two cheerleaders without you this would never have been written. I can't thank you enough, this is for you x Enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

Steven

I know I have no right to contact you, to suddenly out of the blue come back into your life and throw it off course.

I've been sat here for days thinking about the best way to do this and whether I should really do it at all. A part of me says leave him be, this is how you decided this would go, no contact leaving you alone to get on with your life, a life I no longer deserved a place in. One where I hoped that you were happy. But the other voice the one that is just a little bit louder and makes my heart beat a little stronger says I can't leave you alone, that if there is just a small chance of seeing you again take it.

You see I told myself I did what I did for you, gave you back your freedom not be brought down by me, my life and the things that I have done. I convinced myself I did it for Love, your Love. But we both know that is no truth, I did it out of my own selfishness to keep the little bit of sanity I had left intact, I did it for me.

I thought I could be strong take what was coming to me, repent for all I had done and God I wanted to, the things I had done Steven , kept on doing to you, I would gladly serve any sentence they gave me just to put that right. When it came down to it when they shut that prison door every part of me was screaming to see you, to touch you to hold you, to kiss you one final time, but I knew if I let that happen I would never be able to let you go and would tie you to me forever.

So yes I did it for me. I refused any visiting order you requested not to save you from a life of prison, of having twenty minutes a week with me, but to save me from having to watch you walk away every single time. Your letters, God your letters, every week they brought them to me, I would hold each one delicately in my hand and touch it to my heart, convinced it brought me closer to you. I couldn't read them, I couldn't stand to hear how your life was without me, a much better life I was sure, with Leah and Lucas and maybe in time someone who loved you, all the things I told myself I wanted for you but never really did, if it wasn't a life I was living with you. You see I had to send everyone back, for me, but know this Steven each one I kissed in the hope that kiss would reach you and bring with it my love.

I wasn't meant to live on that balcony that night, I don't know if you know that, if it's something you worked out, knowing you and how you know me I think that's another heartbreak I am responsible for bringing to your door.

Once I had come to accept that this was the life I had stretching out before me I thought I was ready to serve my time. But reality is always something different. You know me Steven you know how I hate prison, how it eats away at me and adds to my nightmares.

You see I became an issue to them, somewhere around year two, I think I gave up, I honestly thought I couldn't do this anymore. Everything was becoming black like the days before you brought light into my life. Every waking hour I could feel your loss, my heart just too heavy. Every night the nightmares just became unbearable, him, Cheryl, Danny, Nana, you. I really thought I was losing my mind.

Turns out they really don't want that sort of thing on their watch. The governor gave me a choice solitary for my own safety or see the prison shrink, as you can guess neither option appealed to me, but even I knew I couldn't do solitary. She was nice the prison shrink, reminded me a little of Lyndsey, not that that had any effect on me in the beginning, patience of a saint sitting with me for one hour a week in stone cold silence. But she was clever, didn't give up, she would have given you a run for your money in the stubborn stakes, but somehow after weeks of nothing she got to me, said she would help me in any way she could I think my words were somewhere along the lines of "really doctor, so exactly how do you think you can get me out of here, because right now that is about all that can possibility help me". I was expecting a standard authority response of I'm responsible for being here blah blah blah, but no she surprised me and asked me if that was a possibility? Is there some reason why I shouldn't be here? In all my life I never thought a shrink would be able to help me, but she did and she, Dr Wright, is the reason I chose to change that path I thought I was on and take this one, one I very much hope leads me back to you.

What you need to know is I got help, I talked, tore myself apart and let her in, you see she was clever with me the more she got to know me, made me understand that sessions with her could lead me back to you, see you have always been my weakness.

I don't know if you knew this, I got thirty years for Seamus, good behaviour maybe out in twenty two, but as I told her my story she started to make me believe that I could get my sentence changed, with her reports the courts would look at diminished responsibility. When I started this I really did want to make everything right, be punished for everything, but when you see a little bit of light after two years of hell you'd be a fool not to try and grab onto it. Dr Wright built me up to believe, but I knew in my heart I couldn't do this anymore, no matter how much hurt I had caused, how much pain I wanted to save you and Cheryl any sentence, no matter how small was too much.

I come to understand that I was still letting that man infect my life, I thought I was saving him having anything of Cheryl, but in reality it was him pulling my strings making me give up my life, give up you, be nothing of the man I could be. I had to change that.

So I gave in, I made Cheryl give them the flash drive of Walkers, said I would keep her name out of it, I used my new found status as psychologically damaged to make them think I didn't see who shot him, that I was in too much of a state, and that I wasn't thinking clearly that night on the balcony and when interviewed. The irony is he did save me after all. The court threw out my case, said I was deeply traumatised by the years of abuse my father had put me through and in no fit state to have been questioned, with this new evidence and lack of any further evidence I was to be released immediately.

Steven, this is me here now, I am out, a free man. As I said I have sat here for days trying to work out what to do and the only thing I know is I did it for you, I got out for you, because I am a selfish bastard, one that cannot life his life without you. I need you Steven, I need to see you, to breathe the same air, to look into your eyes, to touch you, to hold you, to kiss you, to see your beauty and everything I love about you, your lashes, your smile, your pout, your perfection, even if it is for one last time. So I'm asking, I praying that you can forgive me this, can see a way in your heart to do this one last thing for me, be the bigger man I know that you are.

Can you do that Steven? Can I ask to see you again? Even if it just to tell me get lost and never darken your life again? I beg of you please.

I have sent you a ticket with this letter, I am hoping beyond hope that you will do what I ask. Will you me meet me in Dublin? That's where our life began and one way or another I think it's only right to either end it there or maybe, with hope, see if it can begin again.

I will understand if it's too much to ask, if you are happy in your life and that there is no place for me in it anymore that you have given up on me. I could never blame you for that.

I will be waiting for you on the Ha'Penny Bridge, our bridge, at 6pm next Sunday. I hope beyond any reason that you will meet me there and I can try to make your life good again.

Brendan


	2. Chapter 2

_**Part Two – Sunday**_

He looks at his clock, it's only ten minutes after he last looked, 5.30 am. In what world was this a good idea, Dr Wright said he needed to do this to have "closure" one way or another, that it would in the long run make him feel better. Right now he feels like he's been on a three day whiskey session. He can't sleep, eat, keep still and for the love of god could he just stop shaking for two minutes! How the hell was he supposed to get to six this evening he has no idea.

A run that's what he needs, just a little time to focus on nothing other than putting one foot in front of the other, to try a picture something other than standing on that bridge all alone. Jesus Brady what are you doing, you've really put your heart out there to get stamped on this time.

 **6.30am**

No matter how hard and fast he ran, he was in his head, the place along with his heart he would always be, no matter what, his boy, his Steven.

Tea that might help, he knew he was at the very edge of reason if he was coming up with clichés like that. God help him nearly twelve hours to go, and what, what exactly was he expecting, Steven to see him after three years take one look at him and just run into his arms? More likely he'd get an onslaught of rightly deserved abuse that's is if he showed at all. It terrified him, the thought of Steven not coming, of him giving up finally on Brendan, on them, he really didn't know what to do with that. Brendan knew he couldn't live in a world without Steven in it, he couldn't breathe at the thought of never seeing him again, to never have his taste on his tongue, to feel his heat, to be overcome with everything Steven.

No if he didn't come then Brendan knew that would be it for him, he would have no life at all.

 **10am**

"Hey Bren how you doing"

"Chez really now is not the time ok"

"But Bren todays the day, you are gonna see Ste again"

"Please Chez, don't"

"What? Why Bren is everything ok, are you, are you okay Bren?"

"I can't, Chez I can't do this, I thought I could I really did, but what if, what if"

"What Brendan?"

"What if I'm not enough? Because I can't be can I to a man like Steven, I left him Chez all by himself, cut him off, didn't let him in, there's no way he wants a man like me back in his life."

"Bren stop this okay, you need to do this, one way or another, you need to move past this part of your life"

"How can you say that! There is no moving past this, don't you get that, there is nothing if there is no him"

"Bren"

"No Cheryl that's the way it is"

"He'll show"

"You don't know that, it's too much, I've done too much I don't deserve any more chances from him, he's too good, too good for a man like me"

"BRENDAN BRADY I swear to god! Stop this, he will be there on that bridge at 6pm tonight, there is nothing and no one in this world that loves you more than Steven Hay, he loves the bones of you, yes things may have stood in the way but Bren, I mean this there in nothing in this world that would make that boy not come back to you"

"I hope you're right Chez, I need you to be right, because.."

"No because, he will be there, I know he will".


	3. Chapter 3

**12pm**

His bible was the one thing that managed calm him somewhat in prison, a role that it had taken on through most of his years. If he was looking for answers he really could do with some help now. He looked at the well-worn piece of paper he kept at the back, never was there anything more precious to him in the last three years, he remembers like it was yesterday when he first laid eyes on it, remembered the feeling of his heart being ripped out, of the cold sweat and fear he felt from just that. He very nearly tore it to shreds, but something stopped him, instead he folded the paper in half so only his Steven was evident. The irony was not lost on him that he had held onto that picture and that for all these years he was not only carrying Steven with him but hidden underneath on the other side Douglas.

He gently rolled his thumb across the picture,

"God I've done my penance, tried so badly to be a better man, to put things right. I've turned myself inside out, faced my demons head on, danced with the devil and walked away, God I've tried so hard. I need it to be for something, to mean something, it has to. So please I beg of you can it just be my turn, can I have this? Can I have him back?

 **12.45pm**

"You have two new messages. Message one received today at 12.33pm"

"Brendan Brady you better not be screening your calls because I warn you right now that does not wash with me, as you know I wait for no man and that includes you. Call me back."

"Message two received today at 12.41pm"

"Right hear this I will not put up with being ignored. I'm the one and only Mitzeee don't you know, superstar and right now you are seriously testing my credibility, which I can't afford. Brendan, I know what this is doing to you okay. As I said I have a plan if it all goes tits up; right now I know you don't want to think about that, but I'm trying to help. I love you daddy bear."

"Anne"

"Brendan Brady are you ignoring me? Because I tell you right now. .."

"Anne please, I really can't do this"

"Brendan, you've going to be okay one way or another, I'll make sure of it."

"I just" he released a long sigh

"Listen to me, I know this is killing you Brendan ok? I know how much you love Ste, how much you went through to get here and you need to make it right, to have him back again so you can finally start your life.."

"God I do Anne, I would do anything, anything to have him back, have a life with him"

"But Brendan if for some insane reason that boy does not show up, and mark my words he'll have hell to pay from me if he doesn't, I can't have you there on you own..."

"Anne I can't"

"Yes you can and you will, because I know you Brendan Brady and there's no way on earth that I would let you be by yourself after that. So I've booked it, I'm emailing you now. You are on tonight's flight to LA, 9.50. I'll pick you up, don't make me wait!"

"If he doesn't. ..." there was an edge to his voice.

"Daddy Bear this is just a backup plan ok, I'm sure I'll have wasted perfectly good money on a ticket you won't be needing."

"Thank you Anne. Don't think I don't appreciate what you're doing ok"

"Good. So I expect a phone call from you and Ste to say don't bother picking you up you've got better things to do. I love you Brendan Good luck"


	4. Chapter 4

**2.00 pm**

He poured himself a whiskey and sat on the sofa, looking out at the Dublin skyline.

It's taken him a long time to be able to look back on his life and really see it for what it was. To be able to own the things that he did and understand the reasons why he did them.

Deep down he always knew he was different, linking it to what Seamus did, he thought that he deserved it because something wasn't right in him. For his entire life he and what he was went hand in hand. What he wanted, what he so desperately needed he couldn't have because it was wrong.

His life was throwing punches first, never answering questions that came his way, fitting into a box that everyone expected from him, the man the husband the father, while inside screaming, this was not what he want to be. Women didn't attract him, no matter how hard he tried, they were never anything more than friends. Eileen, he really wanted to prove that that was the man he was, the one he was supposed to be, he tried, god did he try. But in the end it all became too much and he couldn't hold up his end.

He knows he was a bastard, picking up several men a week, a month, it didn't bother him, not caring about them, himself, or anything else, all it was, was a fuck. Being able to take exactly what he craved. Yes there was Macca and Vinnie, but they were only a few that got a little bit further, but ultimately they were nothing.

Steven. Fuck, where does he even start with him?

Having torn him apart and taken him down to the very depths of his soul, Dr Wright asked him about Steven, what made him different? Why did he make you want to change your life?

The first time he saw him he remembers thinking how beautiful this boy was, Skinny as fuck but at the same time tough. Skin like honey with cheekbones that could chisel stone. Lips that could ruin any man, and the eyelashes, god, they had a beauty all of their own, longer than anything he had ever seen. As soon as he opened his mouth and gave him all the attitude that came with it, he knew he had to have him.

He played far too many games, wasted too much time, he knows that now. If he could go back and change it all he would. He would have made sure that they had a life together long before.

He knew he was fucked early on with Steven, something about him just got under his skin, it was like he imbedded himself in him and he couldn't shake him off no matter how hard he tried. He never believed in love at first sight but in hindsight that's what it was. When he was around him everything was light, his heart clenched in his chest, his pulse raced and suddenly everything else disappeared, Steven was all that he could see.

In the beginning he rationalized it with the mind blowing sex, that was what made him different to the rest, the sex was like nothing he had experienced before, Steven may look skinny and breakable but he knew exactly what he wanted, took it as though it was his right. He'd also give back ten times as hard and Brendan let him. He knows now it was never just the sex, it was everything, the feel of his body underneath his fingertips, the soft velvet skin pressed against his lips, his legs intertwining with his, Stevens's hands running through his hair, the feel of his dick surrounded by the heat inside him as he screamed out Brendan's name. It was all these things and more that made him love him.

The love he feels for Steven is unconditional, just being with him is enough, having him stand by his side, be able to tell the world this man here is my everything and I will love him until the end of time. Because that's what Stevens love has done to him, it's made him not scared anymore.

He just hopes his love is enough for him.

 **3.00pm**

As much as he doesn't want to consider it an alternative, he knows that he'll take up Anne's offer if he needs to, staying here if Steven doesn't come would be too much and besides he knows Anne too well, she'd be on the next flight over bloody dragging him all the way to LA if she had to.

So he needs to pack, put things in order, focus on getting himself on that plane if that's what he has to do and then decide how to play out the rest of his life.

He uses the next hour to sort through paperwork he needs to attend to for the new club in Dublin he is buying, at first when he came out of prison he wasn't going to start building a life until he knew how things would go, but Dr Wright showed him that he needed to have focus, something to make him feel useful again.

The club was perfect, he didn't want another Chez Chez a club that attracted young kids only interested in getting drunk or who they could pull that night, no those days were over. This club was small and intimate, members only, those who had a bit of money and were only looking for a decent night out where they could relax and enjoy themselves. He had plenty of money put aside to buy it and the city centre loft he now lives in. He's supposed to complete next week and then the renovations can start, luckily he has a good builder in Niall so he knows if he does go to LA everything will be in hand whilst he's gone. He emails all the relevant documents to his solicitor and lets him know that he may be out of the country for a while.

Whilst packing it amazes him how little clothes he owns now that he's out of prison. Chez had some of his stuff, but the hours he put in at the gym meant almost nothing had fit. He'd brought the bare essentials and a few expensive suits, but this has made him he realise he still hasn't made that transition to being outside again, even buying the club hasn't stopped that prison feeling of his life being in a state of suspension. He knows at some point he's going to have to deal with that.

He organises a taxi to pick him up at 7.30pm, if he doesn't have a finite time in his head he wouldn't trust himself not to wait all night on the bridge for Steven.

So that's it he's all organised, ready to leave tonight if that's what it comes too.

 **4pm.**

Prison wears you down, even the strongest career criminals are not immune. It's the repetitive day after day of nothingness that creeps in and eats away at you. It makes you start to focus on the slightest of things that bring about a change in routine, a new prisoner which for some is a day's entertainment, the once a week friends and family visits that you live for, a phone call home. These things for those few short minutes take you out of the hell hole, Christ even a change in the dinner menu is a highlight.

So that's how he finds himself at 4pm on a Sunday calling that god forsaken place he got out of to see out an unspoken promise he made.

Most things about that place are etched onto his brain, the sights, the smell, the sound. Things that still keep him awake at night. He considers himself lucky, he had an Allie from day one, it never crossed his mind when being banged up that he would actually know anyone, yes he had mixed with many a character a few that had been put away, but still.

So on day two in the dining hall when his head was still all over the place, the unmistakeable tone of one Warren Fox made both his shoulders sag and his brain ache.

"Well well well, I see the rumours are true Brady"

"Foxy, delighted as ever, fancy meeting you in this fine establishment, been here long?"

Warren gave him his best winning smile, "Always the comedian Brendan, how's the lovely boyfriend?"

He had him pined against the wall in a heartbeat,

"Still a touchy subject I see Brady"

The guards rushed forward and ordered Brendan off Warren or face a trip to the warden's office, as tempting as it was to smash old Foxy's face in, he really didn't fancy the hassle on day two.

"Don't worry boys me and Brendan here are just getting reacquainted, aint that right?"

"Yeah, I can't tell you how much I missed this ugly mug, it's like Christmas morning" He smirked with all his teeth blazing.

So yeah of all the prisons in all of the bloody North West he got stuck with Foxy. But as always with them half the time they were trying to outsmart each other and the other half watching each other's back. Foxy was well known to the other inmates with several side deals going on, a few knew of Brendan and his reputation, put them together and no one bothered them and any newbies that tried never got further than Warren's fist.

When he left he knew in his own way Warren was going to miss him, their friendship and the link Brendan brought him to the outside world. You see there was no weekly visitor or Sunday afternoon call for Warren he was pretty much on his own in there. Brendan had people, eventually after six months he let Chez visit him every so often, Anne came over a few times, but every Sunday without fail he would get a call from one of them. Each time Foxy would fain indifference whilst he quizzed Brendan about all the news from the outside, but he knew Warren wanted to know, even about Anne, just to have some link to the real world. When he went Foxy would no longer have that and Brendan knew how quickly that can bring even the toughest man down.

Neither of them made a fuss of it but Brendan let it be known he'd call him every couple of weeks;

"For the simple reason Foxy that if you get killed in here I can make sure it's not a hoax, you know how much I hate disappointment."

"Well if it isn't Brendan Brady"

He chuckled as to how Warren had to pretend every time that him calling was unexpected.

"How's the weather Foxy? Food good, live entertainment up to scratch?"

"You know this place Brady, five star all the way, only thing letting it down is the riff raff. So how's tricks?"

He knew what Warren was trying to ask.

"You know me Foxy, always up to something. New clubs going the right way, hopefully get to start refurbishing in the next few weeks"

"Please tell me it's not going to be all pinks and girly cocktails?"

That got a laugh out of Brendan.

"You wish Foxy, it's classy, the type of establishment that doesn't let your sort in"

"Oh Brendan you offend me"

"Gotta have rules"

He debated telling him the next bit but it seems his life is all honesty and integrity these days, Jesus.

"So I'm hopefully meeting Steven tonight"

"What, you spoken to him? Has he finally surrendered himself back to you?"

"No exactly. I didn't speak to him, chickened out, wrote him a letter with a plane ticket attached, asked him to meet me tonight"

"Brendan Brady the last of the great romantics, never thought I'd see the day"

"Yeah well it could all blow up in my face"

"Might do, Ste finally coming to his senses"

"Thanks for that Foxy you always were tactful"

"Haven't lost my touch"

"Well anyway if that happens Anne's asked me to go to LA and stay with her for a bit, so I might be out of here tonight"

"How is the lovely Mitzeee, you'll have to let me know if she is a Hollywood starlet yet"

"She's good, happy you know. Anne did ok, got herself where she needs to be"

"Yeah"

"So, any news your end?"

"The usual, that fucking idiot Pete stoked big John earned himself an extended trip to the infirmary"

"He gonna live?"

"The bad news is probably yes. Your lapdogs missing you, still bloody pinning"

"Adam's alright Warren you know that, just a naive little kid, you still looking out for him?"

"Said I would didn't I? Just sometimes he's like my fucking shadow"

Brendan had taken Adam under his wing when he came in a year ago, got caught stealing cars with a side order of GBH, he reminded him of a certain someone but not as tough, he needed looking out for. His was a good kid he didn't want to see him used as toy for the locals, made Warren promise to keep an eye on him when he was gone.

"You love it really"

"Oh yes doing wonders for my reputation, having a wet drip following me everywhere"

"Foxy"

"I know I know, don't worry he's good"

"Grand. So anyway times nearly up, so I'll either call you from here in a couple of weeks or LA, one way or the other"

"Promise me something Brendan?"

That made him a little worried.

"I'm not busting you out in order for you to come and enjoy my holiday Foxy"

"Ha bloody Ha. I want you to promise that if you get lover boy back, don't ring me in two weeks and give me all the fucking details that I can do without"

"Oh Foxy you're just jealous"

"Yeah I must be, see you Brendan"

"See you Warren"

As he put the receiver down he felt a little sad, he always did after these calls because despite a lot of things in the last three years him and Warren had been close, not that either of them would admit that.

He also didn't miss his comment about if he got Steven back.


	5. Chapter 5

**4.30pm**

He needs another drink, he never thought of himself as one to get nervous, but right now his body is betraying him. One and a half hours, fuck if he knows what he's doing.

He sits at the kitchen island, whiskey in hand, starring at the little black box sat in the centre. He breathes out a sigh.

Is this a good idea? In his heart it was crystal clear, but his head, doubt was starting to seep in.

Three years ago he had similar plans that came from his heart, ones he had made peace with. It took him along time to get there but Steven, well Steven changed everything. He wanted it all, to share everything and more besides, to spend every single day of his life proving worthy of him. There had never been anyone as important to Brendan as Steven, the only one he had ever loved.

It was with him that he wanted to build a life, to raise their family and keep safe all the days of his life. It was that night baking bread together when he had such an overwhelming feeling as he watched Steven, it felt like he'd been punched in the chest, taking his breathe away, the world merging into one. Whilst walking back to club after the evening they shared he knew without a seconds hesitation that he wanted to make him his, but some twisted law of fate intervened and he never got that chance, their life together feeling like a house of cards, one that ultimately fell to the ground.

Three years he's been without him, every day pulling at his heart more than the last, without him he felt like he was swimming underwater everything an effort, but once he was free it was as though someone had started to drag him up bit by bit, each breathe a little easier, he knew that he would do anything in his power to try and get Steven back.

It had taken him three months to write that letter. He needed to show Steven that he was a better man, a good man someone he deserved. Buying the club and this apartment a commitment to making a life, one he very much hoped he would share.

He picks up the box and holds it between his fingers, it fascinates him, at one time in his life it would have terrified him.

Faith is important to him, yet he has constantly wrestled with it, the beliefs his religion preached versus the urges and desires within himself.

He was taught that marriage was between a man and a woman, making a commitment before god, he always thought he shared that believe, it being a scared act, which after all is one reason he married Eileen. But now, now he feels it's something different, it's standing up and promising to that one person, no matter male or female, that you are everything to me, I give myself to you, the one that I want to share every good day with, hold through the bad, fight with, make up with, bring children up with, with who I will laugh and cry, you and only you my love beside me for all the days of our lives.

He believes and has faith in that now and this box in his hand symbolises all he holds sacred, he didn't get his chance three years ago, if Steven takes him back he will not let that happen again, he won't waste another precious second, he will ask Steven to marry him.

 **4.50pm**

He had to get moving. Standing up his legs felt unsteady, his whole body aching and it wasn't from the alcohol. He felt like his world was in a fog, he was in it but not quite there. Concentrate on the simple things he told himself in order to get through this, shower first.

He stood with the hot water cascading down his body, took a minute to close his eyes and breath. A memory plays like an old movie, one he hasn't seen in a while but remembers every detail clearly.

It was just over three years ago, Steven had found him and wouldn't let him go, Dublin. He remembers it all vividly.

" _Whatever the pleasure"_

" _Guinness"_

 _He remembers looking at him with fascination, of all the things he thought Steven would say, it certainly wasn't that. He kissed him again slowly for a few minutes before throwing the covers off him, surprising Steven._

" _Oi, what was that for?"_

" _Things to do Steven, including getting some traditional Irish inside you"_

 _Steven smirked at him._

" _Think it's a bit late for that Bren"_

 _He said it with a pout. That did it Brendan pulled him up by his arms and threw him over his shoulder._

" _BREN, what the, put me down, it freezing"_

 _Brendan carried him to the bathroom, good job he was a skinny little fuck, he lent into the shower to put the water on._

" _Stop your whining Steven and get in that shower"_

 _He placed him down under the hot water, luckily he was already naked. Brendan stripped out of his jeans and vest, gently pushing Steven into the corner so he could join him. He crowded into him ghosting his lips over his._

" _Now Steven what's your problem? Wanna get back into bed or are you going to help me multitask here? Hum?"_

 _Steven took a long look into Brendan's eyes and then crashed their lips together with such force Brendan had to steady himself placing a hand on the wall. No matter that they had had each other three times since they got back to the hotel room, it was never enough._

 _Brendan's suddenly grateful that this is a big shower or it could prove quite difficult. He places his free hand around Steven's neck drawing him in closer, their tongues dancing together in a battle to get deeper, Steven already groaning filthily into Brendan's mouth, fuck he could never get enough of the boy. He can feel Stevens hardness against his thigh, he gently rolls his fingertips down his chest taking in all the contours of his body as he sweeps lower, he moves his mouth to place soft kisses across his neck using his tongue to lightly caress his Adams apple, Steven flinches with shock ever so slightly as he takes his hard dick into his hand and slowly starts moving up and down his length, the water providing excellent lubrication._

" _Fuck Bren"_

" _You like that Steven?"_

" _Oh god" Stevens becoming an incoherent mess under his hand and kisses._

" _Tell me you like that Steven" he whispers into Stevens's skin as he lightly bites his nipple with his teeth._

" _I like it, I love it, fuck Bren don't stop"_

" _No intention of stopping Steven. If I had my way I'd never stop" At that Steven pulls him up by his hair driving his tongue straight into Brendan's mouth, his free hand griping Brendan's ass cheek, pulling him closer to get more friction. Brendan lets Steven take control for a few brief seconds but pulls him back as he gently rubs the Pre cum over the head of his dick making Steven throw his head back against the tiles._

" _Jesus, fuck, Brendan please"_

 _God the noises this boy makes, never fails to surprise him, he completely losses himself to Brendan, he's never felt so powerful in his entire life._

 _He places kisses down his chest, sinking to his knees, he peppers kisses along Stevens's balls and in one quick move that Steven wasn't expecting wraps his lips around his dick taking him all the way to the root._

" _Oh god" Stevens trembling above him, back arched head against the tiles his free hand holding onto Brendan's hair._

 _He loves him like this, all abandon thrown out the window. He slowly pulls his mouth back over Stevens length sweeping his tongue along the slit as he goes, when he's barely touching him, he looks up directly into Stevens eyes the connection between them intense, Steven watches as Brendan dances his tongue along the underside licking his balls as he goes. Brendan can tell he's at the very edge, his legs trembling enough for Brendan to have to support his weight, the light movements his mouth making along his dick are driving him insane, he's begging Brendan now, desperate for him to take his dick back into his mouth, Brendan takes him just enough to the edge before wrapping his mouth around him plunging all the way down, deep throating him, Stevens a mess, he starts fucking Brendan's mouth, can't stop, a line of expletives rolling off his tongue, Brendan knows he's near and doesn't give up his assault on his dick, controlling his gag reflex he takes Steven as deep as he can._

" _Fuck, fuckkk Bren, I'm gonna"_

 _And with that Steven is exploding into his mouth and throat, hands rubbing through his hair, panting heavily. He locks eyes with him, slips his dick out of his mouth and swallows, Steven takes a shallow breath and pulls Brendan up by his hair, smacking their lips together, tasting himself on Brendan's tongue._

 _Brendan breaks them apart._

" _Come on Steven we haven't got all day". A big smile playing out on his lips._

He opens his eyes, slows his breathing, he remembers everything, the touch, the smile, the noises, he never forgets anything about his boy.

He sighs, Steven will show, he will, you and him are unfinished business both of you know it, you love him and no matter what you've done in the past Steven has always loved you, even when he's a hating you.

He lets the hot shower water clear his head. Come on Brady man up.

He pushes on.

He still has a beard from prison, he's not quite ready to go back to the Brendan Brady look, he's not sure if he ever will be. He lightly trims it, remembering how Steven commented on it last time he came back from prison.

Standing in front of the wardrobe he debates what to wear, wearing a suit was always an additional layer of amour for him, another barrier of defence, but not his time, this time he needed to show Steven that he was offering him all of himself, heart, body and soul. He settles on black jeans and black jumper, which show every bit of his new toned body, he touches his chest where his cross would always sit and closes his eyes he just hopes it's kept Steven safe as he intended.

Satisfied he crosses to the living room, reaches for his watch on the sideboard, 5.20pm, he stares blankly ahead. This is it then, it's really happening, in less than an hour he will know, one way or another whether Steven can give him another chance, wants a life with him or that it's simply just too late. He feels raw, exposed and a feeling he knows only too well, absolutely terrified.


	6. Chapter 6

**5.30pm**

He's checking things in his head, keys, watch, wallet, because if he doesn't concentrate on the basics he might not have the courage to get out of the front door. He grabs his coat of the hook, a much more stylish affair than the old leather gangster coat he used to sport, yes he's embraced his inner gay style gene, so sue him.

He looks to the kitchen worktop, black box, ring, he lets out a shaky breath before crossing to the kitchen taking it and tucking it into his inside pocket. OK Brady, no big deal.

Looking around the apartment he sees how barely furnished it is, just the essentials, he hasn't seen the point yet, its ultra-modern, very him, all clean lines, brick and stainless steel. He wonders if Steven will like it, he knows he'll fall in love with the kitchen, he hopes in the next hour he gets the opportunity to find out.

He unlocks the front door, he lives right in the centre of what's known as the trendy area of town, it's only a short ten minutes' walk to the Ha'Penny Bridge, but he needs to get out of the flat now, walk around a bit, get some air.

Dublin to him has always felt like home, despite the darkness in his childhood he has some happy memories here, his Mum, his two boys and precious recent ones with Steven. That's why when he got out of prison it was the place he wanted to, no needed to go, he could have gone back to Chester be near the village, but his memories there are off balance, it was where he was an imposter pretending to be something he wasn't, the lies the hurt the pain, he met Steven there and yes in the end he got it right where he loved him and made a home for those short brief months. But it was the place that it all ended, infected like so much of his life by that man.

So that's why he chose Dublin, as he walks through the streets now he smiles, it is the one place where he had Steven without anything else, no hurt, anger, no running away, with him completely. As he walks passed the pub on the corner where Steven had his first taste of Guinness he laughs.

" _That's rank that is"_

This city is has only happy memories of them, it's where they finally started out, where he could be all he wanted to be, no hiding. When he kissed Steven on that bridge that night out in public he wasn't scared, he wasn't thinking or even cared who saw them, all there was was him. So yes Dublin's where he needs to be now.

As he walks along the river, he can see him and Steven that night, giddy you would have called them, totally wrapped up in each other, happy. He imagines they looked like a couple who had a whole future ahead of them, starting out on something momentous, he knows that's what it felt like. His heart aches at the thought, the feelings he had that night are like nothing he ever imaged he'd get, he felt light, free, that this was something to cherish to hold onto and nurture, it was such an overwhelming feeling, being given Steven's love and trusting him with his. He doesn't think in the last three years there hasn't been a time when he knew he'd give up all of his days to go back to that.

As he walks past the busy pubs and bars on the river bank, it's never quiet in Dublin even on a Sunday, he sees happy couples smiling and laughing enjoying each other's company on a night out. He doesn't remember when he realised, he thinks it must have been Dublin, that he wanted all of that, to take Steven out, enjoy his company, show him off to the world and say look aren't I the luckiest man alive, he's mine, this man here loves me. No there's no darkness in this new world of his, its open and light and that's mainly thanks to Steven. In the past whenever he heard someone say they were out and proud he thought to himself you deluded idiot that can never be the truth, but now he knows what it means and yeah he's ok with it, because that is what he is now.

He can see the lights of the bridge, it never fails to make him draw breath when he walks towards it, the beauty it holds, the significance it has in his life. He sees tourists taking pictures of friends and family against the backdrop of twinkling lights on the night sky. It's a bridge full of wonder and happiness.

He stops just short calms his breathing, looking at his watch he has a few minutes, 5.58pm. There's so many emotions swirling around in his head and his heart, he knows he feels sick, is far too hot even on the cold February night, that the thumping in his ears is his heart screaming to break out of his chest. He feels like it's all closing in. He remembers the weeks of counselling, therapy, he needs it now. Stop, breath just breath, move forward.

He steps onto the bridge takes a look around, it's busy but not too busy that he won't be able to see the one person he craves. He stands at the centre hands against the railings looking out over the Liffey, the lights of Dublin stretched out before him, he's hit with an overwhelming sense of Deja vu only this time the roles have been reversed, him putting it all on the line.

In the distance he can hear church bells signally the time, 6.00pm, he closes his eyes and silently prays.

 _ **12 Months Ago**_

Brendan Brady. Hard man, short fuse, dealer, brut, hater, psycho, killer, lover that is Brendan Brady, the man you cross the other side of the street to avoid. Brendan Brady has no love in him just darkness that he thrives on, defines him, pulls people down with. No the truth is Brendan Brady is not worth anyone's time because you are not worth his, he feels nothing because there is nothing. No one can touch him. He does what he has too. Brendan Brady just survives.

That was until there was Steven.

"Brendan is that what you think about yourself?"

"Umm, sorry?" He brings himself back into the room.

"Is that how you think the world sees you?"

"Yes"

"Why?"

"Why? Really? Because it's what I am. I bring hurt and pain to everything and everyone I touch. I'm rotten"

"Do you believe that?"

"Yes Doctor Wright I believe that"

"And what would Steven say?"

There's a minute of silence and then with a deep breath he says

"Steven would say he doesn't like me talking about myself like that".

 _ **Three Months Ago.**_

"So Brendan today I wanted to talk to you about how you feel about being released, how you are adjusting to getting your life back?"

"I haven't got my life back"

"How do you mean?"

"Yes I'm out, a free man, but I don't have a life"

"Describe what you mean Brendan"

"It's, I've gone back to having to put a persona on, not be me but the Brendan Brady people want me to be, you know, happy to be out, looking forward, building a life, getting back to normal as Chez would put it"

"But you don't feel that?"

"No, I know I'm moving but I feel like I'm standing still, there's things missing, he's missing"

"Steven?"

"Yes"

"So what do you want to do about that Brendan?"

"If I could, to go back, change things, never let him go"

"We all wish we could go back Brendan but you know life is not like that. Things you have done in the past are just that, past, it's what you do now that will define how you live your life going forward. How do you want to live your life Brendan?"

He doesn't even need to think about it.

"I want to live a life with Steven, share it with him, be everything we should have been and more. I don't want to do this without him, I really don't think I could."

"What's stopping you being with him?"

"Me"

"Why?"

"I told him to go, I pushed and pushed until I finally broke him, I said this was our ending"

"But the ending changed Brendan"

"Yes, yes it did. But I'm scared that this time I really did do what I set out so many times to achieve, I made him give up on us."

"But you don't know that"

"Stevens not a man that gets left behind. You see him, you want him. He infects you, any man would be overwhelmed by him, would love him. No Steven will have moved on"

"From what you've told me about Steven, I think you need to believe a little more in how much you also meant to him. Maybe that's what you need to do Brendan to finally move on, let Steven know his options. Close a chapter in your life one way or another"

"But what if I'm not what he wants anymore? What if he no longer loves me?"

"You and I can't answer that Brendan, only Steven can".


	7. Chapter 7

_**Part Three**_

He's looking at people as they pass, checking up and down the bridge, scanning the street that leads up. Right height wrong age, too young, too short, every face that passes is not his. He tells himself to keep calm it's what only seven, eight minutes past the hour, he can't expected him to be dead on time. You just have to wait.

He checks his watch, 6.18pm, he feels like he's been stood here for hours. People look at him as they pass, the desperate look on his face a curiosity. All he can do is keep looking, have faith, but there's this hollow feeling creeping into his chest laced with a voice of doubt that he has to try to ignore. He won't give up yet, all the things he has done to get here, all the things he wants, he can't let that go. Just wait.

 _He keeps looking, he keeps hoping._

He faces the water, head held down leaning against the railings. He can feel the dreed in his bones, the ache in his heart.

He's not coming. Steven's not coming.

He's too scared to look at his watch, it will only confirm what he already knows, if Steven was to do as Brendan had asked, even if it was to scream and shout at him, tell him to leave him the hell alone, he wouldn't be this late, because no matter how much he hates him he could never be cruel to Brendan.

It's 6.38pm.

He closes his eyes, struggles for breath, it feels like the world is spinning on its axis, his heart feels like it's shattering, an overwhelming feeling of loss, emptiness. He pulls his hands into his chest to try and stop the pain that's radiating through his body, leans against the bridge to steady himself.

This is it, what he feared with every fibre of his being. His heart is breaking, his world falling apart. Stevens not coming.

He has finally done it. Brendan has finally pushed Steven away for good.

He needs to leave, get far away, he can't be here anymore even if moving right now feels like an effort, he has to go. He pulls himself up, wipes his damp eyes, wraps his cost around himself, he's too cold now, taps the bridge one final time as though it's goodbye and starts to push through the crowd.

As he walks across the bridge he feels empty, alone, a sadness like none other. When he nears the end he looks back one final time for his own sanity before he turns to leave.

"Brendan?"

He thinks he's hearing things, his mind playing a cruel trick on him, but he looks up anyway, the world stops. There standing in front of him on the Ha'Penny Bridge is the most beautiful sight he has ever seen.

Steven.

"Brendan"

The air has been completely knocked out of his lungs, he can't speak, he's there standing right in front of him, within touching distance. He looks up and into his eyes, and fuck it feels like the world has stilled, time stopped. He needs a minute to try and get it together here, he's looking right back into Brendan's eyes it seems he's not the only one lost for words.

"Steven" he says on shaky breath.

"I thought, I was sure you weren't coming" He's finding it hard to form words around him.

"The plane was delayed and well I didn't have any way to reach you did I? I guessed I might be too late"

"It's ok" It's more than ok.

"You're here, I'm glad you came" he barely whispers, "I was scared you wouldn't"

He leans on the bridge for much needed support, Steven inches closer to him and stands beside him looking at the water.

"Ha'Penny Bridge" He says with a sigh.

"Yeah, thought it was fitting"

Steven gives him a small smile and it's like his whole world has lit up. God he loves this man so much.

"You got out then?"

"Yeah, yeah I did, it was too much in the end, I missed too much"

He can tell that's not lost on Steven the way he looks back at him, looks into his eyes. He lets out a big breath.

"I don't know what I'm doing here, I told myself not to come over and over"

"Steven please" He sounds like he's begging.

"No, no Brendan. OK. I can't do this, you can't do this to me"

"Please just give me a chance to explain"

"It wouldn't change anything Brendan, there's nothing that can change the last three years"

He's losing him he can tell.

"You came, there must have been a reason, you must have wanted to see me, Steven please"

He turns towards him leaning on the railings.

"I loved you Brendan"

Fuck, no no no, he's not hearing that, loved. He turns away from him.

"You were everything to me, I think right from the beginning. But you left me Brendan, three years ago you left me, just like that"

"I didn't want to leave you Steven. I wanted to stay with you, I wanted us, a life, you have to believe that" He looks back into Stevens's eyes to see tears forming.

"I came to put this to rest Brendan, me I need this to get on with my life"

He feels like he's sinking, he can't lose him, he can't be without him.

"I love you Steven, I love you, you are everything" He tries to look into his soul and make him believe it.

He sees the tears rolling down his cheeks.

"Brendan, I can't ok, I can't. You left me and that nearly killed me"

He tries pleading with him.

"I couldn't let him take Cheryl Steven you know that"

"So you let him take us instead?"

Fuck, fuck, fuck. He leans his head onto the railing, his own tears on his cheek now.

He says quietly. "If I could go back to that night don't you think I would change it all? That I would do things differently"

"I don't think you would though"

He faces him, reaches out and takes his face into his hands, looks deep into his eyes, he needs to make him understand.

"I would take it all back in a heartbeat, I would choose you, every single time, I would choose you."

Steven lets out a small breath, tears streaming down his face, he's still the most beautiful thing Brendan has ever seen in his life.

"But you didn't Brendan, and it's been so so hard, so much has happened"

"Give me the chance to make it up to you Steven, please, let me show you"

Steven bows his head, he runs his fingertips ever so gently along his cheek, catching the tears.

"I can't let you go Steven, you're in my heart and my head, I can't do this without you, any of it"

"But you let me? You thought I could?" There's a touch of anger there.

His next line surprises Steven, he snaps his head up to look at him.

"I was wrong. So so wrong, I shouldn't have let you do it by yourself. Please Steven give me the chance to make it right, I'll spend every minute of every day proving it to you. I love Steven, I. Love. You" He tries to imprint the words.

Steven brings his hand up to touch the side of Brendan's face, it's a feather like touch but it has the power to strike a lightning bolt though his soul, straight to his heart.

"I'm scared"

He never wants him to feel that.

"Why are you scared Steven, tell me"

It comes out as a whisper.

"If I let you back in, I won't survive this time when you leave"

That breaks his heart because he knows that feeling he's feeling it right now, if Steven gives up on them, he won't survive either.

"I promise you, look at me" He lifts his head, "I promise you with everything I am if you give me this chance, I will never leave, I will never leave you again Steven for as long as I live"

"How can I trust that? You say it now Brendan but it will always be there, you left me before, you went and I was nothing to you"

"Listen to me, Steven listen to me, you have never been and never will be nothing to me, you are the reason I am a better man, you bring the light into my world, you make my soul come alive, you and only you are the reason I can breathe. I want to spend the rest of my life with you by my side"

"I love you Brendan"

He takes a Sharpe intake of breath, he hasn't heard those beautiful words in just over three years it's enough to make him dizzy.

"But"

He's quick, he's desperate.

"No buts Steven, I love you, you love me, I will show you how you can trust that"

"I want to, I really want to…"

He needs him to believe, he needs to win back his trust. He needs to show him he will never leave. He reaches into his pocket, pulls out the black box, Stevens tear stained eyes become eyes full of shock, he takes his hand.

"Steven, if you will have me, if you will give me, give us a chance, let me show you how sorry I am and how much I love you, because god Steven I love you more than any words I know could say, then I promise whatever happens in this life, I will never leave you, you and only you Steven will have all of me for all the days of my life"

Steven breathes shallow breaths.

"This is probably not the best timing I've ever had" That gets him a small smile which he returns. He takes Stevens hand and places on his heart.

"This in here has belonged to you from the moment I saw you, will always belong to you, I'm asking you to take a chance on me here, let me win back your heart"

He looks into his eyes.

"Marry me Steven, please. Marry me".

He's holding his breath looking into Stevens eyes, everything is on the line here. It feels like an eternity. Its then he sees it, he knows every little expression all the tell tell signs of this boy, his eyes slightly flick to the ground, it's heart-breaking, in that moment he knows Steven is going to say no.

He speaks as if the words are a secret.

"Do you know how much I wanted to hear you say that to me, how I always thought it was something you would never say at all?"

"You changed me Steven, it's all you" Brendan needs him to believe that.

"If this was three years ago Bren" He sighs, "I'm just, I'm not him anymore, I'm not that Ste anymore, I'm not the one you love, you can't love this one"

He's trying to understand what he means he can see the anguish on his face. A feeling of panic is setting in, how could he ever think that, there is nothing that would stop him loving him, nothing.

"I would love any version of you Steven, always."

"Really Brendan really? Because I can't believe you would, this now it's too late, too much has happened, I've done things that can't be changed, things that will make you ashamed of me"

He grabs him then box still in hand, holding onto his wrists, Stevens head is bowed trying not to look at him.

"Steven look at me, please look at me"

He turns his face up to him, looks him in the eyes, he sees pain there, suffering and it scares him, Steven looks lost and alone, he always thought Steven could look into his soul but right now Brendan is looking straight into his and it terrifies him.

"I have done so many things I wish I could take back, hurt too many people, nearly destroyed you and not once have you…"

"No, Brendan No"

He's pulling his arms back, falling back out of Brendan's reach.

"I can't ok" Stevens anger is up now, he can see it.

"Give me a chance" He tries to walk towards him, Steven puts his hand out to stop him.

"NO BRENDAN" He's shouting so he pulls back.

"I'm glad you're out, I am really, I couldn't bear the thought of you in there, but this, us you and me…., I can't" His voice is straining.

Steven turns then and starts walking away from him back towards the street, he's damned if he is going to let this go, to let him go. He catches up to him, pulls him around by the shoulder,

"You haven't given me a chance, how are you so sure that I won't love you, that I could ever stop loving you huh"

Stevens backs up, he's angry, he can see three years of hurt slowly bubbling to the surface, he's in his face then, raising his voice.

"So you Brendan really wouldn't feel any differently about me huh? So how's this then right, this Ste right here in front of you is a drug dealer and a murderer, that is the Ste that I am now"

He takes a step back, just to get out of his face, to pause, his brain can't understand the words and his face must register some kind of shock because Steven is looking at him like his world has fallen away.

"Yeah that's what I thought, goodbye Brendan"

Before he can kick his senses back into gear, Stevens running away, he's off the bridge and down the street in a heartbeat. Before he has time to think anything he's after him, pushing past people in a panic. Fuck, drug dealer? Murder? The words are spinning in his head as he chases after him, three years, what the hell happened? He doesn't know what to think in this moment but all he knows and what he needs Steven to know is that it changes nothing, nothing ever could, he loves him, there's only that, it's always down to that.

He sees him turn the corner of the main street, he slows down, he's crying he can tell, telling him is not enough, he has to show him the only way he knows how.

He calls his name, he doesn't want to frighten him, "Steven"

He stops, slumps his shoulders in defeat, Brendan grabs him pushes against the wall of the alleyway, he looks broken.

"Brendan..."

"No" he shuts him up by placing his lips softly over his, it's a light kiss at first, Steven not letting him in, but he makes it stronger trying to press everything he has into him, to show him what he is, he ghosts his tongue over his lips asking for entry, for a split second he thinks Steven won't give in, but he takes him by surprise grabbing onto Brendan's head and pushing his tongue into Brendan's mouth like his life depended on it. Both of them are in a battle to go deeper, to taste and feel each other, tongue flicking with tongue, there's a deep groan from Stevens mouth and god if it's not enough to make him nearly fall to the ground, to kiss this boy after three years. They both pull away breathless, resting their foreheads together, both needing a moment of silence to take in what just happened.

His hearts racing. He looks into Stevens eyes, his pupils are blown wide, he can see the want there it's that that tells him he can fix this, he can try to get this, them back.

"All you need to know is I love you"

He goes to speak, Brendan puts a finger to his lips, whilst gently rolling their foreheads together.

"Shush, ok shush" he whispers, "that's all there is right now and I'm hoping that you love me just as much" He gets a small nod, it makes his heart sing.

"Come with me back to mine and talk to me Steven, let me make this right, please" Steven closes his eyes, he holds his breath, he feels the weight of everything resting on his answer.

"Ok"

He smiles at him, a silent thank you for giving him hope.


	8. Chapter 8

They walk side by side in silence through the Dublin streets, every other step Brendan turns his head slightly to look at him, every so often a streetlight will illuminate his face bringing with it all its beautiful features and Brendan will give him a little smile, the smile he only reserves for him, Steven gives him back the same in return.

In the evening light he looks tired and the way he walks, head down lacking confidence is not Steven. It reminds him of the boy he meet all those years ago before he gained confidence and a self-belief, no whatever has happened in the time he has been gone has taken the light out of him, in his head and his heart he knows it's down to him and if he lets him he will spend every day of the rest of his life trying to keep that light alive.

As they arrive at the front door of his building he grabs the electric key fob from his pocket and presses it to the door.

"Bit posh aint it"

He smiles at him and laughs, it feels good.

"Wait till you see inside"

"I bet you say that to all the lads"

He fains shock on his face.

"Now now Steven" He winks at him as he presses the lift button for the fourth floor. It feels good being like this with him.

He opens his front door and lets Steven go in ahead of him, he walks straight into the main room which is all open plan, big high loft windows along one wall, L-shaped sofa facing the skyline, large dining table to the side wall and running across the whole length of the back is a big open plan kitchen with a granite island running halfway into the room.

"Bloody hell Brendan, wow this is certainly different to your last place"

"You like?" he can see him eying up the kitchen with wonder and it's the first time he's seen him look like his Steven, he can see how desperately he wants to explore it further.

"Check out the kitchen, see if you approve" He takes no time taking up the offer. He runs his hands across the granite counter and follows it round into the kitchen area.

"You've got an American fridge, and, bloody hell, seven hobs, seven hobs Brendan! Since when do you need that?" He looks at him in awe.

"Well you never know I might wanna cook?"

He scoffs a laugh at him, "yeah right, do you even know how to turn it on?"

"I'm sure I could figure it out if need be" he smiles at him, it's good this feels good, seeing him happy.

"Ummmm, ah ha, big microwave, that explains it, more your level of cooking"

"Oi there mate, I have skills you know"

"You can't live off Crème Brulee Brendan" He laughs at him, he actually laughs. His heart swells with love.

He sees him spy his pride and joy, the coffee machine.

"Coffee machine and a microwave the Brendan Brady essentials. The world's best cooker and by the looks of it top notch oven and it's those two that actually look like they've been turned on"

"You know me so well" His meets his eyes and smiles at him, he looks back at him, just for a second and then it's like he shakes himself and remembers where he is and how many years have passed. Brendan can see him start to retreat again, he tries to stop it.

"Check out the view if you want impressive"

He hesitates and then walks to one of the windows.

"Wow, you can see most of Dublin, must have cost you a packet this" he turns to look at him.

"Well, you know" he says it quietly. Stevens always known Brendan's had money and where most of that money came from, he can see he's thinking that and with the revelation earlier tonight it troubles him to let him think this is how he's paid for it.

"I had money obviously as you know"

"Yeah, I know" he looks at him.

"I came into some money not so long ago"

"How? It wasn't from..." he doesn't complete his sentence because they both know what he means.

"No, no, I wouldn't have taken any of that money if there had been any" he says quietly.

"It was because of my wrongful imprisonment, turns out they have to give you compensation, taking years and all that"

"Really, they do that" he looks surprised.

"Yeah, so that's, well, where I got money for this place and other things" He doesn't want to mention the club yet, there's too much that needs to be said before they talk about anything else.

"Well I like it, its well mint"

"That means a lot, so"

It means everything because if he had his way at some point in the future he wants to see this man in this apartment, cooking in the kitchen, laughing on the sofa, naked in the bedroom or any other room that takes his fancy, or just permanently naked would suit him.

He comes back from his thoughts and gives a slight nod to bring himself back to now.

"Coffee?"

"Yeah go on then show me your kitchen skills!"

"Steven, Steven, Steven, be prepared to be impressed".

He sits at the island and watches Brendan intently, he can feel is eyes on him and its making him burn, the things this boy, no man, does to him without him even realising, it sends a shiver all the way through him.

He manages to make the coffees without a drama, hands Steven his and walks them over to the sofa, he sits in the middle, he hides his disappointment when Steven sits on the end of the L part.

He's starring into his cup so he doesn't have to make eye contact with Brendan.

"So"

He's at a loss. He wants to ask Steven a million questions but he knows that would just make him feel backed into a corner. No he has to be gentle with him, let him be the one to decide how much or how little he lets Brendan in on.

"Umm"

"Do you want to talk to me Steven? You know because I remember you never shutting up" He tries to be light with him.

"Yeah, long time ago" He can see him going back into that protective shell he seems to be carrying around with him.

"Well you can if you want or not, doesn't have to be about you" He'll try anything, it seems to get a response.

He suddenly speaks up.

"Was it hard, I mean I know it would have been, but I know you and well?"

It shocks him even now how much he wants Brendan to be ok.

"Wasn't easy that's for sure, but you know, I had to do it, had to get out. I couldn't stand it anymore, it was too much..."

"That's one of the things that kept me awake at night, you know"

He looks at him.

"Well one of many. The thought of you in prison because I know what it does to you, how it affects you"

He feels a pain in his gut… one of the things that kept me awake at night.

"I'm sorry, I can't say it enough, but I am" he'll keep on saying it as long as he has too.

"Yeah well if there's one thing I've learnt in the last few years it's that you can't change the past, or the things that you've done, just have to move on"

He feels the significance of those last few words as though they are directed at him.

"Sometimes though you need other things to able to move on" He sighs.

Steven looks at him then, he crinkles up his forehead as though studying him.

"Is that was this is? Me and you here now? Mess with my head so that you can move on" He looks angry. God this boy infuriates him.

"Steven in case you forgot not 20 minutes ago I was asking you to marry me, spend a life with me, so if that's me messing with your head so that I can move on, then yes, yes it was, because I want my life to move on and I want it to be with you"

He looks at him intensely in the hope its brings the weight of his words to him.

"But what I told you Brendan, what I said, about me now"

"It doesn't matter, none of it matters"

"But it does though"

"Who who does it matter to Steven, umm, who, because it doesn't matter to me, all that matters to me is that I love you, I need you with me, safe….." It suddenly dawns on him and he's up like a shot sitting next to him taking his head into his hands.

"You are safe, Steven aren't you? Has anyone hurt you, anything" he's searching his eyes, he's desperate, his blood is running cold at the thought, if anyone has hurt him or wants him hurt then he will throw away all of this in an instant to protect him.

"I wasn't for a long time, but I am now, I think"

FUCK. If he ever finds out those names, then...

"Tell me, if anyone comes near you, I swear…"

He pulls his head back.

"See this, this is why, Brendan, I don't want that, all the things I've done you'll get caught up on them, blame yourself, be ashamed of me ,try and fix it. But me here now what I've done is just that, done, I got through it and I just need to move on and be done with it." He's angry now.

"There is nothing you could ever do that would make me ashamed of you, believe that, there is nothing."

He looks like he's considering it, weighing it up.

"Hell you could even drag me along to a gay pride march and you'd be hard pushed to make me ashamed" Uncomfortable but not ashamed.

Steven laughs.

"I might test you on that one day"

"I hope you do" he says playfully.

"I've just, so much Bren, you know" He looks tired, worn out.

"I know" he takes his cup from him and puts it on the coffee table, he reaches for his hand, sees if he's allowed to take it. He lets him, he gently brushes his fingers over his palm.

"Just answer me this. Are you ok now, things for you are they ok?"

"Yeah, yes…finally"

"That's good then, right here right now that's all that matters to me, nothing else, all the other stuff you can tell me later, if you want to tell me"

"I do" he whispers.

"This here, it's just you and me. You can decide how you want this to go Steven, and I promise whatever it is I will respect it, ok?"

He can see the thoughts whirling around in his head, all the words he's battling with, choices he's weighing up.

"Fuck, this is too hard" He looks like it's all too much for him.

"I don't want to think Bren, Can't think ok… no thinking"

He's about to respond and tell him he's fine with that when Steven takes him by surprise and crashes their lips together. He holds back a moment in surprise and to show him he's in control here, to make sure he wants it, but the force with which Steven sticks his tongue into his mouth tells him all he needs to know. He tries to deepen the kiss, pulling him into him, but it's not close enough, he can tell Steven feels it too, he lifts himself without leaving Brendan's mouth to straddle his lap, pushing Brendan's head back onto the sofa, groaning into the kiss, he takes his free hand to the edge of Brendan's t-shirt, lifts it and slowly brushes his fingertips over the skin at the top of his waist band, and Jesus if that's not enough to make Brendan nearly loose it, sending bolts of electricity straight to his dick. Brendan takes his hand feeling for Steven's bum, pulling him in closer, he can feel Stevens growing erection through his jeans, matching his.

Steven tugs at his t-shirt, pulling their lips a part;

"Off" he pants into Brendan's mouth.

He wastes no time getting rid of the unnecessary layer, throwing it across the room, he pulls back looking at this new more muscular him in awe.

"Fuck Bren" he says whilst curling his bottom lip revealing the tip of his tongue.

He smiles at him eyes fixed on his mouth.

"You like"

He answers by placing hungry kisses on his collar bone, his tongue licking a path from his Adams apple down to his chest, stopping at his nipple taking between his teeth.

"Jesus Steven, fuck"

He pulls at it as he releases his mouth.

"You gonna show me your bedroom, or what" he says with hunger in his eyes.

"Fucking too right" he says as he lifts them both off the sofa, Steven around his waist. It's tricky making the way across the flat whilst holding him and kissing at the same time, they bump into several pieces of furniture, but somehow he manages stopping just outside the bedroom door, breaking the kiss.

"You sure Steven?" he needs to check, he wants him to want this as much as he does.

"Never been surer of anything in me life" he's looking straight at him cheeks flushed and pupils blown, "I want you"

That does it, he drives right back into his mouth as far as he can. Somehow he manages to open the door at the same time, crashing them both through it.

He manhandles Steven onto the bed, pulling at his shirt so he can get to more skin, he can never be close enough to him. He places soft kisses on his jaw, down his neck until he reaches that spot he know drives him crazy, he languishes there in the crevice of his neck, sucking on the skin, making his mark. Stevens already starting to make filthy little sounds below him, driving him wild.

He continues on his quest licking and sucking his way across Sharpe contours and golden skin, every kiss a mark of how important this man is to him and what this means. When he reaches his destination he slowly peppers kisses just above Stevens's jeans, teasing him to distraction.

"Brendan please" he moans out at the same time grabbing at Brendan's belt trying to move things along.

He lifts his mouth to his ear.

"Tell me what you want Steven" with that Stevens arching his back pushing his body closer to Brendan.

"I want you to fuck me!"

That shoots straight to Brendan's dick, any thoughts of taking this slow suddenly thrown away. He quickly grabs hold of his belt, a mad hurry to get his jeans and boxers off. Steven seems to focus for a second and follows suit with his own. Brendan stops completely still, looking at him, taking it all in. He's lying there naked on his bed, dick standing proud, he stifles back a gulp of air, he never thought, didn't dare hope that he would ever get this again, to see him like this again, other than in his memories. Steven seems to feel it too stopping for a second, before moving things on again by sitting up and placing his hand around Brendan's dick.

"Jesus Steven" he bucks in his hand. Steven gives him that shy innocent look of his that drives him insane. He gives back in kind by pushing him back onto the bed, dick in his sights. He's soft at first kissing the tip, rolling his tongue the length of him, taking his time, until Steven tells him exactly what he wants by arching upwards towards his mouth. In one quick movement he takes him all the way in down to the root, using is tongue to lap at the slit, the taste of him everything he remembered and more.

Stevens a wreak below him, wriggling about and shouting a colourful line of expletives, he knows it would be cruel to tease him and if he's honest he doesn't think he could last either. He takes three of his fingers to his mouth, whilst still devouring his prize, Steven running his tongue along playing with them. He slowly releases his dick tasting the pre cum on his lips, he moves himself further up the bed taking Stevens thigh in one hand to give him more leverage, his pink hole displayed as an invite, fuck Brendan can't get enough of this, he takes a slicked up finger and slowly taps at its entrance, running his finger back and forth, earning him a low groan from Steven, he slowly pushes the tip in, Steven pulls back a little in shock, before pushing in further. Jesus he's tight, so fucking tight, reminders of their first time flash before his eyes. He looks into Steven's eyes searching for a question he dare not ask.

He looks at him, his answer completely knocking the breath out of him, sending his world into a blazing haze.

"You, only ever you"

He stills for a moment, searching his eyes. He can feel and see the emotion as a stray tear falls across Stevens's cheek, he catches it with his thumb, laying his forehead to his.

"It's ok, it's all ok" he whispers into his lips.

The silence says a thousand words before Steven pushes himself back towards his finger letting him know to continue.

He composes himself, focuses back in, he's slow, gentle, taking the one finger out and back in again, before Stevens had enough begging him for more, he's powerless to his pleas. He slips in a second finding that spot that drives the boy crazy, opening him up, he's soon adding a third, he has to make sure he's completely prepared, he doesn't want to hurt him. He has him right on the edge and its him that breaks, can't fucking take not being inside him, feeling his heat around him. He releases his fingers, grabs the lube and a condom from the drawer putting it on himself, making sure to coat his dick thoroughly, the whole time Steven is staring at him in wonder. He looks into his eyes, a surge of energy crackles between them, leaning over him he slowly rubs his dick over his entrance, he wants to be gentle but he knows if doesn't have his release soon he's going to explode, it seems Steven feels it too because he makes the decision for him wrapping his legs around his back trying to push Brendan over the edge.

He goes as slowly as he can, inching his dick into the warm heat that's surrounding him, he stops to give Steven a much needed second.

He lets him know when he's ready.

"Please Bren, Please"

This boy knows all the buttons to press. He pushes all the way in, the tight muscles of his hole trying to take him further, he adjusts to the feeling slowly pulling out and driving straight back in. They fall into a slow rhythm, the rolling of hips the arching of bodies. It soon becomes more frantic with Steven grabbing hold of his dick matching the thrusts that Brendan is making, wrapping his legs tighter around him in an effort get him to go deeper, on every thrust Brendan tries to go as far as he can, hitting that spot inside Steven that has him a withering wreck below him, his strokes on his dick becoming uncoordinated.

"Brendan, oh god, I'm gonna"

He can feel it too, his senses going into overdrive, on every thrust his nerve endings burning like fire. He pulls out and slams right back in hitting that spot and it's enough to push Steven over the edge, his cum exploding onto his stomach, his mouth screaming out Brendan's name. His head is alight with fire as the muscles constricted around his dick sending waves of pleasure through him until it all becomes too much and his orgasm is being ripped out of him, he makes a loud groan that sounds like an animal before collapsing onto Steven panting.

They lay there both breathless, wrecked. He places a few sloppy kisses onto his lips before pulling out of him, the loss of contact sends a shiver through him, he takes the condom ties it and throws it onto the floor and lays down beside him.

"Fuck Brendan….that was" He sounds like he's shaking.

"Yeah, I know" he looks over at him, Stevens smiling at him in a blissed out state, his golden skin shinning.

He moves so they are side by side. He runs his thumb gently across his cheekbone, trailing down along his bottom lip, bringing his forehead to meet his, noses bumping a little. He closes his eyes.

"I love you, it's always you" he whispers onto his lips.

He gently pulls him into him, holds him close, and for the first time in over three years they sleep safe together in each other's arms.


	9. Chapter 9

He wakes up with a start disorientated with the same sense of dreed as he has done every day for over the last three years, his body ready to fight or flight. Only this time it instantly feels different, there's a warm body wrapped around him, a head laying on his chest just under his chin, he feels protected, he feels safe.

His flinching when he woke up has startled Steven, he raises his head to look at him, he's automatically blown away by his beauty.

"Hey you" he smiles at him.

"Hi" he whispers back.

He imagines they must look a couple of teenagers he chuckles at the image.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing, everything, us, strange is all" god he must sound stupid.

"Yeah I know what you mean, this is weird"

He runs his finger along his chin.

"Weird bad or weird good?"

"Weird good" he smiles at him and it lights up his world.

He leans in touching foreheads and places a tender kiss to his lips, one full of love. He rests there a moment before speaking.

"You hungry?"

"Starving"

He breaks away looking at Steven with a look of shock on his face.

"You hungry Steven whatever has come over you?"

"I can't think what" he smirks at him.

He sits up swings his legs out of bed and grabs his hand and hauls him up.

"Come on then, let's put that kitchen good use"

"Yeah right Brendan, you mean find a takeaway menu and pull out some plates!"

"You know me so well" he laughs.

He pulls a pair of joggers and a t-shirt out of the draws for Steven, he hands them to him whilst locating his own boxers and jeans. He turns around to look at him taking a deep intake of breath, it's like time has stopped and he's right back there in that flat three years ago Steven fresh from bed, dressed in his clothes.

Steven can sense something from his silence.

"Brendan. You ok?"

He shakes his head and smiles.

"Yeah, yes, just you in my clothes, memories, it brings back memories is all"

Seven looks at him with a sadness in his eyes.

"Long time ago, another lifetime"

It stabs at his heart, he wants to say something but he knows this here where they are now is very shaky ground and they need to find their feet. He lets it go.

"Right food, you coming?"

The sadness slips away from his face and that sparkle he has moves in to take its place.

"Alright, can't wait for this me, showing me you're skills, takes talent picking the right takeaway menu" he's smirking at him.

"Cheeky fecker, I'll have you know Steven it's harder than it looks" whist walking out to the kitchen he adds.

"It's all the preparation, as you well know"

He has him back laughing and right there and then that's all that he needs.

They decided on pizza as it was the quickest and both of them had worked up an appetite. Steven takes to the sofa, he hands him a beer and sits next to him, both of them in the middle, feet on the coffee table, heads laying back.

He turns his head towards him taking a sip of his drink.

"You look older"

He turns to look at him.

"Cheers for that, just what a bloke wants to hear"

"Oi no I didn't mean it like that"

He's looking at him thinking the words to say.

"What I mean is you look older but in a good way, kinda like right, like you've grown into being you, the right you. Fuck tell me to shut up I don't know what I'm saying"

You smile at him.

"I think I know what you mean, I look comfortable in my own skin"

"Yeah that's what I meant"

"Is old good or bad?"

He looks like he's weighing it up, it briefly panics you until his words calm you down.

"Well obviously like old old is not so great you know ninety or something cause then you'd be near death and that is old"

"Ha bloody ha, who knew you'd grow up to become a comedian Steven"

He playfully hits your arm.

"But old is good, you look good Brendan"

He sees him blush whilst he takes a sip of his beer, he focuses his line of sight on his mouth as he licks his lips, Christ.

"And anyway I'm old so like I can't say anything"

He laughs long and loud at that.

"Old? That is the last thing you are, what are you now 26?"

"Yeah, see"

"Well if that's old I'll take it any day of the week"

The both look at each other then, the years missed unspoken between them. He lifts his hand taking his thumb and brushes it along his cheek, Steven leans into it.

"You're not old….you are prefect"

He leans his head in, Steven closes his eyes, he places a gentle kiss on each eyelid, runs his hand along his neck, kisses along his cheekbone…

He's stopped by the door buzzer. Bloody hell. He places a quick kiss onto his lips before getting up.

Pizza boxes are laid on the table, Brendan even managed to provide plates much to Stevens's amusement, it ok, this is ok, each of them is happy to be in the other's company.

He watches Steven slowly eating whilst taking in his flat.

"What you thinking Steven?"

"I like it here, your place, it's nice, bit bare like but that's you init, not one for pictures and personal things."

"You mean no fluffy cushions and throws like the last place"

"Yeah but that was all Cheryl wasn't it, not you"

Anyone else would have missed it but he has every feature of this boy committed to memory, so he caught it, the little change when he mentioned Chez's name, another thing to add to the list of subjects that at some point they need to open up about.

"Why Dublin?"

He stops eating and looks at him, takes a sip of his beer.

"I couldn't go back there"

He sees the recognition of shared pain in Stevens's eyes.

"Before I got out my shrink, Dr Wright, I mentioned her in my letter"

He nods his head in acknowledgment.

"She went through what I was going to do when I got out, it was overwhelming you know"

He takes a minute to pull himself back.

"But she started with the basics, places where I was happy, so that I could use that to start building my life back up"

Stevens looking at him.

"So you choose Dublin because you were happy here and you weren't happy in Chester?"

He's upset and you can see what he's doing, it's whirling around in his head. You weren't happy in that village, you weren't happy with him.

"Steven" you reach across the table and lay your hand on his, he pulls it back.

"No no its ok I get it I do you weren't happy there, its ok you should live where you're happy" He says it like he's choking back a sob, before you have a chance to say anything he's up on his feet.

"Bathroom, where is it?"

You want to say something but his body language is telling you he needs a minute.

"Next to the bedroom"

"Tar"

As soon as he's gone he's up and pacing, the need to make him understand, to explain overwhelming. Then he hears it, ever so faintly, a sob and immediately he runs towards the bathroom door, where there's no mistaking that Steven is crying.

He lays his head against the door, gently taps it.

"Steven" he says softly. He can hear him try to control himself.

"Steven, open the door, please" it breaks your heart to hear him like this.

"Please Brendan, just" it's an effort for him to get the words out.

"Steven open the door, I can't leave you in there"

He goes quiet.

"I'm not against taking the door off in my brand new flat you know" he tries to joke.

Between his sobs he makes little hiccup sounds, and it's all too familiar to Brendan.

"Please" he begs.

There's silence for a few moments until he hears the latch on the door being turned, he stands back whilst it opens. His face is red and blotchy, his cheeks tear stained, he grabs him and pulls him into his arms, holding him tight. Stevens head rests on his shoulder, his tears wetting his t-shirt.

He places a soft kiss against his neck and brings his lips to his ear.

"I wasn't happy in that place Steven but I was happy with you, so so happy, don't ever think I wasn't, ok"

He lifts he head up into his hands, looks deep into his eyes.

"Because being with you, even in hell, I was in heaven"

He feels Stevens's arms hold onto him tighter as though he's scared to ever let him go and he kisses him as through their lives depend on it.


	10. Chapter 10

He can taste his salty tears on his tongue, he vows to kiss everyone away if that's what it takes.

Steven pulls them apart to dry his eyes, wipe his nose.

"Bet I look a mess" he says with a little smile.

He brushes his thumb over his cheek to dry the tears. There's been too many tears shed between you, that needs to change. You need to change that.

He takes his hand, remaining silent he leads him to the bedroom, to the foot of the bed, all the while Steven is looking at him with a look of pure want that shouldn't go along with the drying tracks of his tears.

He stands there taking a minute to look into his eyes, take in all his features, the little differences he can see that the years have added. He didn't notice it before in his rush to have every part of him again, but there's a scar, faint as though it's been there a while and time has faded it, running from behind his right ear to near the base of his neck. He lifts his fingers and trails the line.

"What happened" it comes out with what sounds like panic.

Steven looks at him his eyes moving back and forth as through he's deciding if telling you is a good idea, he relents.

"I got hit"

"Steven you don't get a scar like that from a hit to the back of the head" He looks at him in a way that shouts look who you're talking to, you can't fool me.

"Ok, don't get mad right"

He raises his eyebrows at him.

"Had this fight with a bloke, you know me, too much mouth for my own good. Anyways he'd had enough, grabbed a bottle from the bar smashed it and held it against my neck, tried to threaten me"

"What?" he has to clench his fist tight in order to control his temper, someone did this to him.

"Brendan it was a long time ago"

"Where was this? Why did he threaten you?"

"It doesn't matter"

"It matters to me"

"Brendan" he says it sharply with a sigh, a look on his face that says he knew you'd do this.

"Steven I'm not gonna get angry ok, I promise, I just want to understand."

He drops his shoulders in defeat.

"Hey" you tilt his head back up.

"If we are going to do this, all of this, we got to do it right. Are you with me on that?"

He nods his head.

"I owed him money and other things. The club, it was at the club"

"My club?"

"Yeah, and I'm telling you right now that you better not ask me anymore questions on it because that's all you're getting" He says in that sassy way of his.

You know to drop it for now, but both of you know this is defiantly not the last you'll hear of it, but right now there are more important things.

He leans in and places a kiss along the scar and whispers into his ear.

"I don't care about anything else right now, because right now Steven I'm gonna make love to you"

He catches his intake of breath as he brings their lips together in a passionate kiss, his tongue reaching in to take every part of his mouth, Steven gives just as strong using his tongue to drive Brendan wild. He tugs at the t-shirt lent to him, pulling it upwards, it causes him to grunt low in his throat the breaking of their kiss to get it off. Steven looks at him, pupils the darkest black, he's not waiting around, he pulls off your top in response, quickly followed by getting the joggers off himself in a hurry, in seconds the boy is standing naked in front of you, looking in that beautiful as fuck sexy bashful way of his, biting his bottom lip, Jesus, you lightly push him in response making him fall backward onto the bed, stripping off you pause for a second to look at him, it's like he's a fucking work of art commissioned especially for you, all sharp lines, smooth honey skin, he's forever taking your breath away is this boy.

"You gonna stand there all day?"

He also knows how to break a moment.

He chuckles, leans down mouth ghosting the top of Stevens treasure trail, he uses his tongue to swipe upwards towards his belly button, laying slow sucking kisses along his stomach as he goes, he's taking his time to revisit the spots he has had mapped in his head for so long. Soon enough he is taking a nipple into his mouth sucking on it with his lips and teasing it with his teeth, he can tell the speed of his work is agonisingly slow for Steven, he's arching up to rub his now hard dick against his stomach, breathy moans escaping his lips at the assault on his nipple. He's impatient and suddenly takes you by surprise using all of his strength to flip you both over so that he is lying on top of you looking down.

Steven smirks at you.

"Been working out Steven? Not such a weak skinny thing are ya"

"Fuck off Bren" He gets his own back by grinding your dicks together making you hitch your breath, its Steven now that has you arching into him, begging to show you what he's made off. He doesn't disappoint does this boy. He's sucking and biting little kisses into your neck working his way down your body, he spends several minutes using his mouth to explore the new more defined you once again.

"God Bren, your muscles, fuck. Love them"

He says it in a voice so full of arousal that on any other day it would have you driving into him hard within a matter of seconds, but this time it's all about taking it slow, reacquainting yourselves with each other's bodies.

His kisses make it all the way to just above your achingly hard dick, he stops, raises his head and looks at you, sticks out his tongue running it along his lower lip, fucking tease he knows exactly what he's doing, you take your hand and gently weave your fingers into his hair, he smirks, he knows he has you as he uses the little pressure you are applying to dip his head and wrap his mouth around your dick, you groan with the pleasure he has running through you, as he uses that expert tongue of his in ways that should be fucking illegal, you know that no amount of dreams or memories were as vivid as this.

Within minutes he has you so you wouldn't even know your own name, but somewhere deep inside of you, you find the little bit of resolve you have left and gently pull at his hair to make him bring his head up, you pull him upwards, diving straight into those moist and pouting lips, tasting yourself on him. Wrapping arms around him, he returns the earlier move and flips them over. He breaks the kiss by dragging Stevens bottom lip between his teeth which has the boy gasping, grabbing the lube that's still on the side table he parts Stevens's thighs, takes two of his fingers and covering liberally.

"Please Brendan"

This boy knows what he wants. He takes one finger and gently pushes through the hot heat of his hole, going as slowly as he can allow himself.

"Fuck, more"

Stevens getting more and more worked up with every twist, it's driving him wild, it's a good fucking job he's still loose from earlier as he takes both fingers a drives straight back in hitting that spot inside of him, Steven nearly screams the flat down with it. He takes a minute to keep pleasuring him before he's all too aware that any more of this and Stevens not going to last.

"Tell me Steven?"

He doesn't hold back.

"Fuck me, please Brendan, I need you to fuck me"

He had no intention of refusing even if he could. He releases his fingers, satisfied that he's not going hurt him, he takes a condom, rolls it onto his dick, he looks down at him, sees the look in his eyes that he's only ever seen on him, a look of pure adulterating want for Brendan, he places a slow and sensual kiss onto his lips at the same time as rubbing his dick against his hole, he waits a second before slowing pushing the tip in, it's a move that has them both hissing, Steven shows him he's ready by trying to pull their bodies closer, he gives him what he wants thrusting all the way in.

"God god Brendan" All noise is Steven.

He pulls back out and thrusts back in painfully slowly, time and time again, he startles Steven when he suddenly stops deep inside him, he reaches for his hands placing them above his head intertwining their fingers, a move that has Steven breathing out with the sheer intimacy of it, he has him groaning again as he resumes his slow thrusts making sure to hit that spot deep inside him every time. His senses are on overdrive the sounds the smell the touch alerting each and every one, he's going slow, making this count, taking every bit of Steven and giving it back just them same. This is making love and he will cherish it.

Steven is a withering wreak below him, skin sparkling with sweat, mouth losing all sense, body arching into him, both of them trying to feel as much skin as possible, he knows they're both not going to last. He brings their lips together in a filthy kiss, speeding up his thrusts ever so slightly, Steven responds by pulling on his rock hard dick losing all sense of rhythm, his groans being swallowed into Brendan's mouth. His world starts to become a kaleidoscope of colour, he can't take anymore, he bites down into the cruck of Stevens's neck.

"Come for me Steven"

That's all he needs.

"arrhhhhhhhhhhhh BRENDAN" and within seconds Steven is shooting his cum between their bodies, the walls of is hole pulling Brendan in in pure bliss making him shout out as he comes hard into him, Steven wraps his legs tighter pulling him in making him feel on the verge of passing out with the pleasure.

"Jesus Steven, fuck" he can hardly breathe as he collapses onto him.

They lay like that for several minutes, both of them coming down from the incredible high until they manage to regulate their breathing.

"God" he laughs

"Good huh"

He is aware of just how much of an understatement that is. Steven lets out a big intake of breath.

He slowly pulls out of him, aching at the loss of contact, he ties and throws the condom towards the bin and pulls Steven into his arms, wrapping them in the duvet. Both are quiet in their own thoughts for several moments. Steven twists his head from the place on his chest to look at him. You smile back.

"I love you Brendan"

Words that a long time ago would have scared you and gained Steven a fist, now nearly make your heart burst open with happiness.

"I love you too Steven" His face lights up, you hope there's not a day in your life going forward that you won't say those words to him or hear them said back.

Suddenly Stevens face loses its light, worry lines take its place as he lays his head back onto your chest. You suddenly feel cold and feel a creeping sense of panic starting to make its way in.

"The money I owed him"

"Ummmm" it takes you a minute to register what he's saying.

"The guy who did that to my neck, the money I owed him, it was for drugs"

That sense of panic has taken a strong grip now and it's clenching at his ribcage, he's praying that what he's saying is misunderstood and not the nightmare he can see, the one that's threatening to come over the horizon.

"I was a drug dealer Brendan, I was a drug dealer for Trevor Royle"

Right there and then that perfect world you had built in your head for Steven comes crashing down around your already fragile existence.


	11. Chapter 11

He can feel him holding his breath, not knowing which way this is going to go, he doesn't know himself.

"Brendan?"

There's anger rising in your gut, that old familiar feeling of fire in the pit of your stomach. He was a drug dealer for Trevor Royle, five little words that he knows will have destroyed Stevens's life, the life where he was on his own, on his own because of you.

He's suddenly aware of Steven pulling himself up and out from under the covers, sitting next to him with a look of pure shame on his face.

"Say something. You're disappointed in me aren't you, I knew you would be, I'm so stupid"

You still can't say anything, you're searching his eyes. He's taking the silence as confirmation.

"I knew it"

Steven says as he jumps up, making towards his clothes that have ended up pilled on the floor. Suddenly the jumbled thoughts in your head start to fall into line. Steven, drugs, a world in which he should never have had a place in, your old world and Trevor Fucking Royle.

Stevens got his jeans on, he seems to have blocked everything out for a few seconds because all of a sudden he can make out he's talking a mile a minute.

"Fucking stupid Ste, drugs, a drug dealer, what the fuck where you thinking, yeah Brendan that's me"

Suddenly he's out of the bed and grabbing him.

"Steven. Steven, STOP."

He acting frantic, concentrating on the job at hand getting himself dressed, he pushes past you and out into the hall. Fuck. He throws his joggers on, grabbing the t-shirt off the floor.

"Steven!" He's yelling across room trying to get him to stop, he's at the sofa putting on his shoes, he takes the opportunity of him sitting down to fall to the floor in front of him, pulling at his hands to make him stop.

"I don't think you're stupid, I have never once thought that about you, that's not gonna change"

"You're angry, I can see it Brendan, you're disappointed"

"Yes I'm angry" He misinterprets what you are trying to say, grabbing his hands back.

You can't help but raise your voice.

"I'm angry at me, not you, I left you Steven, I fucking left you! In my head, the way I survived in there, the only way I could face every single day was thinking you were ok, that I did the right thing."

There's anguish on his face.

"Well I wasn't, I wasn't ok nothing was" He falls back against the sofa in defeat.

He sits up to join him, if he will let you. He does.

Both of you sit there in silence for a few moments, you trying to make space in your head for what you know is to come and Steven wanting to delay for a long as possible the things you need to know.

"I wanted to buy the club"

You turn to him, confusion on your face.

"Chez Chez?"

"Yeah, it was for sale, you put it up for sale I guess, I needed the money to buy it"

This makes no sense to you, the club?

"I don't understand. Why? Why did you want the club? If I knew you wanted it Steven I wouldn't have put it up for sale, I'd have given it to you. You could have had it."

He lets out a sigh.

"How did I know that, huh? One day you were there Brendan, with me, we had a life and the next….."

He takes a minute, you want to take his face into your hands, kiss him and make this stop, tell him it doesn't matter, but you know you have to hear it, all of it, no matter if it leaves broken bits of both of you in its aftermath.

"It's all I had left, it was like you were never there. As soon as you were gone people in that fucking village acted like you never existed. The police, they took all your things from the flat, do you know that?"

No, no you didn't, but of course they did. You can see it now Steven screaming at them to leave your things alone, desperately trying to hold onto them and the police walking through the life you both had, destroying it bit by bit. The coffee cup you left on the kitchen counter that morning, shirts on the bed that Steven was going to wash, the kids toys in front of the sofa, that last picture Leah drew for you both proudly displayed on the fridge, you see it all now and him, there, in the middle of it all, alone.

It's killing you.

He continues on.

"Chez left really quickly after to start her new life with Nate" He looks at you.

"But I guess that's one thing you did know"

You nod, there's no point denying it, you desperately wanted her out of that village so that she could be happy.

"Yeah, good for her huh"

The bitterness in his voice is ugly.

"Perfect little Cheryl just walked away to her perfect little life. See yah Ste nice knowing ya, couldn't care less what happens to you now."

Steven laughs.

You take a depth breath in. When she told you she was leaving to be with Nate it calmed you knowing that she was doing what you wanted, needed her to do, live her life and forever be out of the shadow of that man. But here and now Stevens telling you different, like you she left him to be all alone. There's no point in trying to make him see it any other way because right now you can see it through his eyes and all you can see is pain.

"It's like that club was all I had left, you know. I'd stand outside and look up at it and a thousand memories would come into my head. The yard where I conned you into a job, the side door you pinned me up against cause you were angry at me for something I'd done, the balcony you'd stand on just to get a look at me, yeah I know you used to do that"

He smiles as though the memory is his little secret.

You look at him.

"I wasn't as smooth at it as I thought then"

"Nah Brendan, you really weren't"

You smile back.

"I broke in, not long after that night"

You can see it now, inappropriately, a happy memory of the countless times he'd done it before, getting in through the fire escape sneaking into your office and waiting for you, you'd chastise him on his scally ways before taking him over your desk.

"I walked around remembering all the good and the bad stuff, lot of memories."

He stops for a second.

"I got into your office"

"Always had that skill Steven"

You can't help yourself. He smirks at the shared memory.

"I sat at your desk just trying to feel you, you know, try to have something to take the pain away"

There's tears threating to fall on his eyelashes.

"Steven" It's said with pain.

"I just sat there crying, never felt so alone. Pathetic huh"

You can't take it anymore the shear sense of loss that's radiating around him, the tears that have fallen, you don't care if he pushes you away as you pull him into your arms and hold him.

"I'm so so sorry" You whisper into his hair.

"I would do anything…."

He pulls away not letting you continue.

"So yeah, that's why I wanted it, because it was the only thing I had left of you. I needed the money and Trevor gave me a way to make it, so I took it."

You jump in.

"Drugs Steven, the club and the memories of me are not worth that, never worth that."

"But they were Brendan, to me they were."

Your thoughts are racing a mile a minute.

"But you didn't buy it, I know it wasn't you"

"Yeah well, surprise surprise turns out Trevor is a lot like you, always keeping his dealers under the thumb, I never stood a chance. But you'd know that. So yeah I never got the club and got in far too deep and in the end I had to claw my way out."

"What happened?" You want to punish yourself.

"Things weren't going my way, running too many risks, pissing Trevor off, I'm pretty sure you can guess. I packed it in when I caught myself taking it instead of selling it once"

"Jesus Steven" You raise your hand and tilt his face towards you.

"You took it? Please please tell me it was only that one time, please Steven" Your voice is desperate, this, you never ever thought of this.

"Yeah luckily it was, never hated myself more. Finally that useless scally everyone thought I was."

You hate him saying that, you tell him by placing a soft kiss on his lips.

As you pull away you hold his head in your hands.

"If I could I would change it all, you know that. But along the way I've realised I can't, I did these things, things happened because of me. You the life I left you with is my fault, and I will make it right, all of it if you let me. I promise you Steven, my promise to you is that I will spend every second of every day making it right."

You seal that promise with a kiss.


	12. Chapter 12

You've had your arm around him, holding him close by your side for what feels like hours but in reality can only have been minutes. Both of you quiet in your own thoughts.

You can only imagine what's going through Stevens head if his own is anything to go by. Every minute of every day he hoped, prayed, that he was okay, he had to have some faith that doing right by Chez and ending the nightmare was for something, he needed it to be for something. But he knew deep down in his heart after the many hours of therapy that if Steven had been feeling his loss half as much as what he felt at losing him, then it was a world of pain and suffering. It's one thing carrying that around with you for so many years, but it is entirely different to sit here in the present and hear that truth. As you hold him every part of your being is silently screaming, the man you love more than anything and anyone, was left by you in a hell of your making and its scares you that you don't even know the half of it.

Holding onto him you try a press your love into every fibre of his being, without words, let him know that you will take every broken piece of him and make him whole again.

There's so much unsaid that you need answers to but you know there his to give you if and when he's ready, but you have to try.

"Did anyone help you Steven?" Your voice sounds loud in the silence of the room.

"In the end"

He sounds like he thinks he didn't deserve it, Brendan knows that feeling all too well.

"How do you mean? They left you, the people in that village that have known you half your life, Tony, Jack, everyone? They didn't help you?"

There's anger there, he picks up on it, unlocking himself from your side, the loss a bolt to your chest.

"Yeah yeah they didn't alright, I was a drug dealer Brendan a drug dealer! Don't you get it! I was everything they wanted me to be, the old Ste the one they always knew was below the surface, the one who uses his fists, gets into fights in middle of a crowded pub, takes fucking drugs"

You're quick as a flash.

"You said once Steven, once"

"Yeah well, I had a history in my days before juvey didn't I, people don't want you to forget."

It calms you but doesn't make you feel any better.

"I didn't want help and they gave up, can't blame em, it was my fault. It took me a while you know, to want help, to actually want to feel better have some sort of life, be in Leah and Lucas's life"

You are holding your breath at the mention of the kids, it's the first time he's mentioned them, it adds to the already heavy weight in your heart.

"Amy knew I was going back to the old me, the one she had lived with and she couldn't let the kids see that, I hated her at the time but now I am so grateful to her for it, it would have killed me if they had seen me like that, it would have been history repeating itself, Leah and Lucas seeing me as nothing better than I saw Terry and my Mum"

"You are nothing like them Steven, no matter how dark your life was you would never be like Terry, I know that, Leah and Lucas know that"

"Yeah well, I'm glad they were out of my life when I was like that, they won't have those memories"

He lets out a small sigh.

"It was my dad that helped me in the end, him and my sisters"

You quickly turn your head to him, a look of confusion on your face.

"Me real dad, Danny, he found me, moved into the village with his wife and kids, my step mum Sam, and sisters Teagan, Leela, Peri, well Peri's really my niece but that don't matter."

You're trying to get your head around this new information, a whole readymade family slotting into his life when you were gone.

"They brought me into the family, gave me a family, and helped me get my head straight"

"That's good of them"

"Don't Brendan, just don't ok, they were there when no one else was and god knows what would have happened to me if they hadn't, so be grateful yeah"

You just umm in response, you're not quite sure how this sits with you, but then anyone who comes into his life has always filled you with jealousy.

He suddenly stands up.

"Need the loo"

You rub your eyes as he leaves the room, you feel exhausted. Walking to the kitchen you grab the whisky from the side, two glasses, you think it's needed. Your mobile phone sat on the side is flashing to let you know there's messages, before you've even opened them you know who they're from.

 _Text Message Anne._

 _I'm taking it from the silence the little stud muffin showed, I won't wait at the airport then & don't forget you're not so young anymore don't do your back in daddy bear. Love you. CALL ME xx_

Trust Anne to say it like it is.

There's a second message.

 _Text Message Chez._

 _Well? Did he show? Tell me he came! I know Ste wouldn't leave you, he loves you. Let me know Bren._

Your blood runs cold reading her message, Chez left Steven, left him alone to go through that, you are screaming at her in your head, you go to throw the phone against the wall in anger, but the movement behind stops you.

Steven.

"Whiskey?" He places the glass in front of him.

"Tar, yeah I might"

There's a faint smile there, you return it.

You take a sip the amber liquid reviving you as it slides down your throat, you smirk at the look of disgust on Stevens face as he copies you.

"Not a whiskey man Steven, never have been"

"Yeah well"

He moves back to the sofa taking his drink with him, he kicks off his shoes and curls up in the corner, like he's settling in, it's good, it means he's not leaving but you guess this nights far from over. You take another gulp and refill your glass before joining him.

"You never asked me about Doug"

The statement surprises you.

"Why would I ask about him Steven?"

"When you asked didn't anyone in the village help me, you never mentioned Doug, I mean we had a business together, were married"

"I don't need reminding of that fact" You can't help your tone of voice whenever Saint Doug is mentioned. He's looking at you for an answer.

"Chez told me, about the explosion and about Doug"

He looks at you with a frown like he's trying to work something out.

"When?"

"Sorry" you're trying to deflect attention away, you know exactly what he is asking.

"Cheryl told you, when did she tell you? How, did she call you?" Steven looks at you daring you to try and lie about this. You won't because that's not who you are anymore, so you say it and prepare for the consequences.

"She visited me, about a month after it happened, she saw it online and asked Nancy about it"

"Fucks sake"

"Steven" You search his face to see how angry he is about this news, but you see there's no anger there just resigned disappointment.

"She visited you huh, I'm not surprised, couldn't let Chez not see you huh, wouldn't want to spoil that relationship."

You don't try to say anything, instead you sip at your whiskey, you can't defend yourself.

"How many times?"

"A few, mainly to do with the kids and that"

"Anyone else? Did anyone else get to visit you Brendan?"

You come straight out with it.

"Anne"

He pulls back his head in a laugh.

"Figures"

He takes a big drink from the glass, he winces but he takes another regardless. He looks at you over the top of the glass.

"You have someone in there?" It comes out quietly.

That completely knocks you sideways, you knew it would come, but he's suddenly decided to throw it out there, you guess this night is going to get worse before you fucking hope it can get better. You should have brought the bottle over.

You give him what you hope is a warning look, a pleading look that says this doesn't need to be done. But Stevens always been a tenacious bastard never letting anything drop.

"It's not gonna help"

"I want to know Brendan, me I need to know"

You sigh.

"It was you that said if we are doing this we have to do it right, both of us."

Fucker, using your words against you.

Where do you start, whatever you say it's going to get his back up, you know it will be the truth whether he choices to believe it or not is up to him.

"Not really no" He tilts his head to the side looking.

You take a deep breath, you're going to have to bite the bullet as they say and just get it all out there, you know it's only fair, he's told you things he wanted to keep locked away now it's your turn.

"I couldn't sleep the first few weeks, not more than an hour at a time anyway. It's not what you think, it wasn't prison, being locked up, keeping me awake. No it was every time I closed my eyes I was back in that hospital room them dragging you off me, the tears falling from your cheeks. You screaming for me. Whenever I closed my eyes I was trying to grab hold of you, pulling you back, keeping you with me, but you were always gone, just out of reach."

You take a sip.

"I meant it, when I said I would never feel any differently about you, you were my everything, you changed everything."

Your mind threatens to go back there, but you don't let it.

"I never wanted anyone Steven because I'd already had everything I could ever want."

Stevens taking that in at the same time his eyes are telling you a thousand unspoken words.

"I know you though Brendan, you wouldn't have survived"

"Yeah well I've changed. But I'm not going to lie to you Steven you're worth more than that. As I said my head was all over the place I wasn't looking for anything, but yes there was one lad came in about 8 months into my stretch."

"I knew it" He's the same as you when it comes to knowing that there was someone else, full of jealousy even in the circumstances.

"He gave me a blow job a few times and I returned the favour, I know you not going to believe it but that was it, if you wanna know numbers 4 it was 4 times in three years, that's all that happened, because there was nothing and no one that could ever compare to you, it made me feel more empty inside so I didn't want anything because it wasn't you.

You say it with passion because that's the truth.

"I believe you" He's looking at the bottom of his glass as though it holds answers, there's a look of concern on his face and you think it's because there was more times than that, more men than that, that were in his life while you were gone. You can't bear to know.

"Will you hate me if I had other men?"

Jesus he knows how to take a stake straight to your heart, you lower your head into your chest, you don't want to hear this, out of everything he can tell you, this will be the hardest.

"Steven I don't want to know"

"But you need to know Bren, I know you, if you don't it will eat away at you and you will keep running it through your head and it will affect us"

He know you too well and he's right. You take the hand not holding the glass and put it under your thigh, if you don't you know that the force in which you grip your hand whilst he's telling you this will draw blood or worse.

"I got back with Doug before he died"

You didn't expect that one.

"I think it was just because he looked after me you know and it was easy, but I didn't love him, not like you. After he was gone and I was messed up dealing the drugs around clubs and stuff there was a few blokes, I can't remember exactly how many, in club toilets, one night stands"

You clamp your tongue between your teeth.

"It didn't mean anything, none of it, it was nothing. That's was what I did, like you said it made me feel more empty so I stopped. And then about 12 months ago there was this lad, he flirted with me, made me feel good, wanted, I was fucking stupid, I know that now, he was 17"

It seems you're mouth really doesn't agree with you on saying nothing.

"17 Steven? What? Why?"

Stevens not old, what he would have been 25 then, but you never thought he was after someone younger, that younger did it for him, he always told you he liked you being older, he felt safe because of that.

"Yeah well after everything it was nice you know for someone to want me, to like me, so I fucked him, several times, it was his first time with a man and I took advantage of that"

"Steven I don't wanna hear this, please" you're begging.

"That was me then Brendan, I never thought twice about the age. But he thought we were in a relationship and I finally woke up and realised that that is not what I wanted, he was far too young, needy, desperate to keep me, acting like a kid unsurprisingly, so I ended it, I was just using him I never felt nothing"

You need to move. You get up and walk to the window, stare out at Dublin. There's this feeling inside of you that you can't explain, it's like you're falling.

He comes up slowly behind you, you don't move, resolute in your stance, he very carefully puts his arms around your waist and rests his head on your back.

"I'm sorry Bren, I'm so sorry I didn't wait, I would have if I had known, there would never have been anyone else only you."

You close your eyes and you hear a noise that comes out like a sob as you lay your head against the window, you think it must have come from Steven but you can feel it in the back of your throat and you know it was you.

You've both gone through over half a bottle of whiskey, Stevens been laying with his head on your lap for the last hour, you don't remember when you started stroking your fingers through his hair. You're both emotionally exhausted and have spent that hour talking about random things, things you missed, people you know, just about anything to skirt around the things left to be said.

Despite these last few hours, right here now, just having him here with you like this makes you feel like you are home.

"You have any mates in there?"

"In prison?"

"Yeah, I know you don't make a habit of making friends Bren, but you were there a while".

"Foxy"

He lifts his head to look at you in surprise, before resuming his previous position.

"Warren? You ended up in the same prison as him? Didn't you try to kill each other, or at the very least punched him one"

You laugh.

"Yeah well, me and Foxy came to a gentlemen's agreement didn't we"

"Nether of you are gentlemen Brendan" He smirks at you.

"Really Steven, I would say the other inmates begged to differ"

"Yeah right that's gonna be cause Warren probably had them all under the thumb"

"You know him well Steven."

"So you got on then?"

"Yeah we did, after I attempted to rearrange his face on the second day mind"

"Hah, see I knew it"

The laugh you make moves his head a little.

"It was good you know, to have someone you knew, could trust with your back"

"And that's Warren?" Steven sounds sceptical.

"Well alright not entirely, but we both knew where we stood with each, looked out for one another, you know."

"What about you leaving, when does he get out?"

"He's got several years left, I somehow don't think he's getting out any sooner for good behaviour, but he's a saviour so he'll get by."

In his head he silently hopes he gets by.

"Well I'm glad you had someone." He says it full of concern.

It's like he can sense that you've gone into your own thoughts so he changes the subject.

"You won't believe how grown up our Leah is"

He radiates happiness.

"How old is she now?"

"Nine, can you believe it? Lucas is six, right boy he is, loves cars and aeroplanes reckons he's gonna be a pilot"

"Captain Hay, I can see it now, Leah?"

"Loves animals, she's really kind you know, caring"

"There good kids Steven, you and Amy did well"

He moves and picks up his wallet that's on the coffee table in front of you, he pulls out what looks like a picture, he looks into your eyes as through he's trying to work out if this is a good idea, he must get an answer because he passes it to you.

"That's Leah and Lucas at Christmas"

You take it delicately in your hands as if it's the most precious thing in the world, it takes you a second to get the courage to look but when you do smiling back at you with all the happiness in the world is the two children that you so desperately wanted to be a good Dad to, to get it right with Steven. You worried about them just as much when you were gone, it breaks you to think they probably won't remember the time you were in their life but you know for you it will never be forgotten.

"They look grand Steven, they look happy"

"Yeah they do don't they"

He goes to hand it back to him but Steven pushes his hand back.

"Keep it, it's yours, can be the first picture in your new flat"

The smile on your face must tell him how much this means to you, what him giving you this picture of his kids could mean, it's giving you hope that no matter what is to come you and him can get through it and have a future.

He gets to his feet and grabs your hand to get you up.

"Bren it's like two in the morning and I'm knackered me, you gonna come to bed?"

You let him pull you up until your standing in front of him.

"Pretty knackered myself"

He shares your smile as you kiss his lips and pull him by his hand.

"Come on let me take you to bed."

Both of you are wrung out, sleep the only thing on your minds right now. You strip to your boxers and get into the bed where Steven's already made himself comfortable, pulling the covers up to keep him warm. You both lay facing each other, both silently speaking with your eyes until Steven breaks that silence.

"Bren do you think we can do this?"

You know what he's asking.

You take the back of your hand and slowly trace it from his eyes to his jaw.

"Steven you and me, we've been through tougher things than this. Yes, if you're with me, I know we can do this"

He brushes his lips over your hand as it meets his lips.

You kiss his forehead.

"Now go to sleep"

Satisfied, he closes his eyes. You pull him into your arms and hold him tight, you watch as Steven falls asleep with a smile on his face, its only then you allow yourself to do the same.


	13. Chapter 13

Your sleep is fractured, the events of the evening go around in your head. Steven dealing drugs, god you don't want to imagine him in that world unprotected, you know he will have been attacked for being on other people's turf, crossing the wrong dealer in a club, he's so fucking stubborn and that leaves him vulnerable. It's a miracle he was never arrested. If this was four, five years ago you would have burned those dealers to the ground and most likely have more blood on your hands. But it's not its now and like the thoughts of those other men that are tormenting you, it has to stay buried, you have to lock it away somewhere in your soul because he's worth it, this man next to you with the look of pure beauty is all you need to make you the better man.

There's a ray of light from the curtain highlighting Stevens golden skin. You must have slept because it is no longer dark. His head once again in that familiar position, a position that became so settled in you that night after night in prison you were left with an empty space and cold ache in your chest at its loss.

It's the little things, which are coming back to you now. The way his eyes flutter when he's dreaming, the feel of his skin moulding to yours as you sleep. Remembering how he is forever cold which makes you ensure he has enough cover and most of all the thing that up until now was still a memory is in the morning the feeling of waking up next to him, pulling him close and knowing he's yours.

He moves slightly against you pulling his head up from under your chin all sleepy eyed and soft, you think he's going to say something until he traces your jaw with kisses moving to the edge of your mouth, you in response gently stroke your fingers lazily across his shoulder and down his back. He brings his lips onto yours, his tongue asking for more which you gladly accept. His tongue flicking with yours sends a spark all the way to your dick bringing it alive against Stevens's thigh, he responds by pushing against it further and moaning filthily into your mouth, he takes you by surprise using his free hand to stroke your dick through the material of your boxers, the action has you gasping. This boy is confident with your body, he knows what it likes, he knows how to drive you wild and have you, Brendan Brady, as putty in his hands, that's one of the many things that turns you on about Steven, his ability to have you at his complete mercy, the only one who ever has.

He roughly pulls at you boxers to get them off, having made your dick rock hard, you help him along by pushing off the bed. Lifting his head up on his way back down he looks into your eyes, you feel like you are seeing into his soul, it looks bruised, but not damaged, no you'd know that look if you saw it.

He flicks his eyes to your mouth and back again doing that thing with his tongue and his lip that is all him, it makes you put your arm around his neck and pull him down into a kiss full of tongue and teeth. You can tell he's in the mood for quick and rough sex by the way he's kissing you and moves to make a bruise onto your shoulder, you lean over to the side to get the lube from earlier using your hands to squirt plenty onto your fingers all the while Steven is kissing a path down to your nipple, you go to maneuverer his boxers down around his bum take a finger and slowly swipe it across his hole in that moment he pulls at your nipple with his teeth eliciting a moan from both of you. He pushes back towards your finger making you enter him, you don't hang about you aim straight for the spot inside him that has him gasping into your shoulder. He's still a little loose from before, but still so fucking tight that it makes you head spin and your dick throb. You go straight in with a second which has Steven pushing back and fucking your fingers but it's not enough for him, you let him show you what he wants, letting him take the lead. He never disappoints, he could ask you to beg and you would, especially now when he reaches for your fingers removing them from his hole, he brings his lips to yours kissing you and biting your bottom lip as he sits up takes a condom from the drawer quickly putting it on you and straightens himself to straddle you.

He takes your dick in his hand pumping it a few times, has you arching your neck with the pleasure he is giving you, he lines your dick up against his hole, gently using it to stroke against the opening, Fuck your world is already spinning, before sitting and taking all of you into him in one fast move. Jesus.

He takes a second, breathes out and starts riding you like it is the only thing in world, the only thing he wants, the pleasure he is eliciting in you is immense mixed with shine on his skin and the look in his eyes, it's rough and quick but its mind blowing.

He's sliding your dick in and out of his tight heat like it's his right, he goes to grab for his dick but you stop him, sitting up so you are chest to chest and his dick trapped between you, tight against your stomach. Grabbing hold of his hips you pull him in closer, taking him as deep as you can, he's a fucking mess, you bring your mouths together, you take each other's groans deep along with the fucking of tongues, it's a filthy kiss, he suddenly pulls at your shoulders losing coordination he's fucking your dick like it's the last time, all the while you are breathing his air in through your lungs, his dick is tight between your sweating bodies, the friction driving him wild. All of a sudden everything stops for a split second and he comes hard, his trapped dick spilling his cum between you, he throws his head back in a moan his Adams apple bobbing as he gasps for air. You watch him in all his beautiful glory as he takes a second.

After a moment it's like the fog has lifted and he remembers where he is, he pulls up and then back down on your dick using his muscles to clench around you, he does that achingly slowly several times whilst looking into your eyes, putting your foreheads together he whispers against your lips.

"I love you"

And it's those words that pull your orgasm out of you and you come hard into him your whole body shaking.

You both keep your heads locked together gasping and coming down, you gently kiss him as he lifts himself off you, the cold loss of him making you shudder. You pull him down onto you and lay both of you back onto the bed cradling him against your chest. He resumes his previous position slotting his head under your arm.

As your fingers slowly run through his now hot and sticky hair, you take your free hand and weave your fingers into his.

You whisper.

"I love you Steven. I have loved you from the start and I will love you until the end"

He squeezes your hand and pulls you closer, both of you fall asleep still holding each other.

Over the next few hours both of you sleep, every so often one of you will reach out to get closer to the another. It is the most peaceful sleep you have had since the last night you spent with him all those years ago.

Stevens moving around your kitchen like it's something he does every day, after you both woke up and reacquainted yourselves with other parts of each other's bodies in the shower, he insisted that there must be enough food in the kitchen to put together some breakfast.

After he satisfied himself he had the essentials, eggs, bread, bacon he set himself to work. You found yourself sat at the island just watching him with fascination, it makes you realise how much you've missed this and how desperately you want this scene to play out every day for the rest of your lives.

"Right I think that's done"

He places the plate of omelette and toast in front of you, he's given you a double portion.

"You trying to fatten me up Steven?"

"I know you Brendan, especially when you've worked up an appetite" You raise an eyebrow at him, he isn't wrong.

He pulls up the stool next to you and places his own much smaller portion in front of himself. You dive right in.

"Wow Steven, I'd forgotten what your food tasted like"

"It's just an omelette"

"Best fucking omelette I've had in a long time believe me".

He looks at you then, a look of concern in his eyes as he watches you wolf it down, he looks sad suddenly.

You stop.

"Hey, don't ok, don't think it."

"I can't, God Bren, I just, I think its okay and then I think of you in there and…"

You put your folk down and place your hand on his cheek.

"I'm not in there anymore okay, I'm out now, here with you"

His concern turns to a shy smile.

"And besides I don't intend to spend any more of my time thinking about that place, and you're not either."

He gives you a slight nod, and you go back to having a fucking orgasm over his cooking.

Nothing changes, by the time you've finished Stevens only had a few mouthfuls and making no attempt to continue, if you didn't know him so well you'd be worried. He passes you his plate like old times and you finish his off as well.

"That Steven was amazing thank you"

"I have no idea how you've survived without me Brendan."

There's nothing in it, he's being playful.

"No idea Steven, must get by on my charm alone"

He starts to laugh.

"Yeah that's what it is."

"You saying I'm not charming?"

"You have your moments."

"Fighting talk there boy."

You take a big mouthful of tea and jump off your stool.

"Right grab you coat we're going out."

He looks at you confused. Leaning in you rest you lips against his ear.

"I'm gonna take you out around Dublin and charm you"

He tilts his head to place a kiss against your lip.

"Sounds promising"

He looks at you with that twinkle in his eye like the first time and you both smile at the long lost memory.

"Come on then."

You grab his hand and make your way to the door.

It's a Monday morning and the streets of Dublin are busy with people going about their working lives, you and Steven don't even register on their radar, but you feel like they should know, the world should know just how much it's taken for you both to get here to this moment, of being given a second chance in Dublin after the years that have been broken.

"Dublin's pretty you know, a damn sight better than the village" He says as he walks.

"There's a lot of things a damn sight better than that village Steven."

"Yeah well, some of us have to live there you know, not many other choices"

"You can choose to be wherever you like. You don't have to stay there."

You suddenly stop at the corner and face him.

"Why are you staying there?"

It seems important all of a sudden to know the answer to that, you feel like that is one answer holding your entire future.

"I don't know, guess it cause it's where I've always been you know. I mean obviously I stayed for Leah and Lucas and me job, but well, they live with Amy now and the jobs not much, but where else am I gonna go? Not got much prospects have I"

You hate him doing that.

"Steven you are a talented chef you could get a job somewhere else if you wanted, don't put yourself down, you can leave there if it's what you want."

Fuck your brain just caught up with what he said.

"How often does Amy let you see them?"

That's hit a nerve with him and he starts walking again, this time with added pace.

"Steven" He's pissed off with you for mentioning it.

"I told you she had to take them, it was my fault".

There's pain in his eyes.

"I see them, she does let me see them."

As always he's rushing to Amy's defence.

"Every six weeks or so, she lets me go over on a Saturday or Sunday, but I talk to them on the phone every day, I'm not a bad Dad right, I was but I'm not anymore ok."

He's angry now, going at a mile a minute, he thinks he's being judged, even though he knows deep down you would never judge him. Could never judge him.

"Hey" You pull at his shoulder to slow him.

"I never said you were, you have always been the best dad to those kids, you're a hundred times more of a father than me and those kids know that"

"Don't say that about yourself"

God you love how he turns around his anger into concern for you.

"It's not your fault, you were too scared to be a dad to yours, you're a great dad, in that short time you were a great dad to mine"

You give a slight nod because there's no words to say to that.

You realise he's not given you the answer you need.

"So would you leave? The village, would you move somewhere else if you could, if it made you

happy?"

He looks like he's thinking, working it out and then suddenly he's smiling like the answer has come to him.

"Yeah, I think I would. If I was happy, and I could still see me kids, then yeah I would like that, as long as you…"

He stops mid-sentence. It makes your heart plummet to the ground, the way he is looking at you with a look of expectation and hope, you think he's saying in his own silent way that he would leave, because he'd be leaving for you.

One again you find yourself clinging on to those little strands of hope.

You start walking again and change the subject.

"Come on there's something I want you to see"

He looks interested. You were going to hold back on telling him about the club until a few things had become clearer, but him giving you that little glimmer of possibility makes you want him to see that he does have choices, he can get out of that god forsaken village, he can be here with you and together you can make it work.

The club is a few streets back from the Liffey and a few more from the Ha'Penny Bridge. It's in a classy area of the city one with several popular restaurants. If you didn't know it you'd pass on by without a second glance but if you stopped you'd be face to face with a grand ornate wood door with the name of a club on a silver plack. It's this door you have Steven standing in front of now.

"It's a door Brendan" He's looking at you.

"Yep it's a door, it's my door"

"Ok, this all part of the charming me thing?" He sounds sceptical.

"Maybe if you play your cards right. "

He nudges you.

"Thought I already did."

You shake your head at him, you could never have enough of his teasing you.

"I brought it"

"Wow Bren, you brought a door?"

You return the nudge in retaliation.

"Ha bloody ha. I haven't got a key, yet, but its club, behind the door is a club"

"You brought a new club?"

"Yes, I should complete on it next week or so"

"Looks a bit poser than the loft"

So they went back to the old name, the mention of it makes your blood run cold. You remind yourself it was other time another place.

"It's a private members club, so you know classier, older customers."

He throws a brilliant smile at you.

"I can see you owning a private club, all expensive suits and pricey drinks. Being a boss of that"

He looks genuinely happy for you.

"Thank you Steven, I think it will be good you know."

"Yeah, I can see it now, although council rats like me wouldn't get past the door."

"Oh I don't know, I think…."

You gently role your fingers up his arm.

"…. this council rat will always be on the list."

He raises his eyebrows at you.

Playfully you pull on the lapel of his coat.

"Top of the list".

You find yourself breathing in his air.

"Free cocktails?"

His breath is hot on your face as you inch closer, pulling him in closer.

"Free anything you damn well want."

He brushes his lips against yours.

"I apologise."

You look at him with curiosity.

"I agree its words like that that prove you are charming"

Little fecker. You push him up against the club door and wipe that smug pout off his lips with an intense kiss that has you both gasping.

You break away.

"That's more than enough charm for you boy."

Stevens got other things on his mind as he whispers against your ear.

"You know something."

You stay quiet to hear what he's going to say.

"You haven't even got a key and still we just christened your new club, I can't wait to get inside and do it properly."

Jesus, this boy, you swallow a sigh deep into your lungs and pull his face against yours, you play him at his game and drip into his ear.

"As soon as I get that key, me and you are going to christen every room in that club. And there's plenty."

He has his arms around your neck pulling you into a filthy kiss, you push him higher up the door and hold onto his waist, so lost in it you almost forget you are in broad daylight on a Dublin street and in this moment you really couldn't care.

Reluctantly you have to pull away, resting your foreheads together, anymore and you are in seriously danger of being arrested for public indecency.

"Come on, not finished charming you yet"

You straighten his coat and you both continue walking.

Subconsciously you must have wanted to end up here, but you didn't plan it, you just wanted to keep walking with him by your side. The pier for you had good memoires, the ones you had told him about last time, the summer days spend messing around with your mates. To you this had always been a special place even after those days had been long gone, when your world had become darker you would find yourself walking along here with only the sounds of crashing waves and birds to break the silence. On the second day after you got out it was here you came to collect your thoughts like a ship the lighthouse protects from the sea you were also drawn here like a beacon. So being here again now walking the harbour wall with Steven is no surprise to you at all.

"You brought me here last time."

"Yeah"

"It's as beautiful as I remember it."

You go to sit on the wall edge, Steven sits close by your side.

"I thought about it every day when you were gone"

"What the pier?"

"The pier, the lighthouse, Dublin, all of it, every single day, I kept running it over in my head, some days I had to tell myself it wasn't all a dream you know."

"Yeah I know. I did the same. Tried to cling onto every single memory of you, how you felt, how you smiled, how you loved me, even that bloody laugh of yours."

He places his head against your shoulder, you wrap an arm around him and hold him tight.

"In the bad times, when I didn't know what to do and no one was helping me, I would lock myself away in my room and just think of here, just you and me. Sometimes I would fall asleep and you would be there in my dreams telling me it was all gonna be okay, you were gonna make it okay, but then I'd wake up."

You can feel his tears against you neck.

"Steven..."

"You always kept me safe in my dreams Bren, always."

That fills you with pain, you should have kept him safe awake and asleep, you should have done more, so much more.

"I can't tell you how much I want to take it all back Steven, how much it tears me apart to think of the time we wasted, I wasted, I just.."

It's you that can't go on this time, words can never be enough.

There's a heaviness in your chest.

He moves his arm to wrap it around your back, he's trying to hold onto you tighter like this is one of his dreams and he's scared it's not going to last.

He starts to whisper something, like it's a secret, you have to listen carefully in order to hear him over the waves.

"I told you it wasn't just the drugs."

You are suddenly aware that he's chosen now to tell you it all and it fills you with dread.

He's so quiet.

"My Mum had cancer, she had no one, Terry was long gone, turned up at the flat one day told me she was dying".

"Jesus Steven" That woman hadn't got a once of decency in her, you can see her now telling him that, cold as anything.

"Anyway I let her stay with me, didn't really have a choice did I, not with her dying."

"I'm sorry, sorry I left you with that."

You mean it because if you had known you would have had Chez round there helping him, god you'd have even paid for that dreadful woman to have private care if it meant that Steven didn't have to go through that on his own.

"We sorted some stuff out you know, I did love her even after everything cause she was my mum. You're meant to love your Mum."

He takes a deep breath, you sense this is the bit he's been trying to hide.

"She couldn't take it anymore, the pain and stuff, she begged me, day and night begged me to help her."

You pull him in closer as he wipes his tears. All too quickly you know where this is leading.

"I didn't want too, I really didn't but she gave me no choice, so I had to, I had to help her die."

There's anger rising in you, anger at her for putting this beautiful man in that situation and anger at yourself for not being the one he needed by his side.

"So it wasn't just drugs it was murder too."

You pull your arms away from him and he mistakes it for disgust, he's looking at you, pleading between his sobs.

"I didn't want to I didn't know what to do, I killed her, me I did that, I'm a bad person, I'm so so sorry"

You cradle his head in your hands.

"Hey Hey, look at me Steven."

You need him to see.

"What you did was the bravest most selfless act, that is not murder, me of all people knows that. It is you having the courage to end misery and suffering, to show such love to someone who didn't deserve it, what you did Steven was help someone, never believe any differently."

You kiss him using your lips to dry he's cheeks and show him how wrong he is.

"You're not ashamed of me?"

"Steven how many times, I could never be ashamed of you, ever."

"I got arrested for it."

"What?"

Fuck, did he go to prison? God no, please make him not have ended up there, unprotected.

"I thought I was going to prison, never see Leah and Lucas again, but somehow I got off with a two year suspended sentence."

Relieve washes over you.

"Fuck, Steven. Is it done?"

"Yeah, six months ago or I wouldn't have been able to come here would I?"

Six months ago means it was only half a year since you had left him and already his life was falling apart, nothing like you imagined to keep you sane. You hate yourself for allowing a perfect world in your head to exist for him because if you had really thought about it you would have been able to help him.

Looking down you see his hand resting by the side of you and it comes back to you in a flash, Steven saying you could hold his hand if you want, and it being the only thing you wish you could have done. You look at it now and take your finger run it over the skin, you turn it so his palm is facing up, he's watching you holding his breath, remembering too. In this moment you can't remember what you were scared of. Whatever it was you are not scared anymore as you ghost your hand over his and lace your fingers together, he's warm and he feels like lightning. Holding his hand you've got him and he is safe.

Bringing your hands up to your lips you kiss them, his smile lights up the world.

As you walk back towards town he asks you if the Ha'Penny Bridge is on the way, he wants to see it again. Nearing it you remember the feeling of him not turning up. You remind yourself that he did.

He walks along the bridge and stands against the railings, its different from the first time you found him here all those years ago, it's daylight and the sun is bouncing off his golden skin making him look even more beautiful, if that was possible.

"I love it here"

"What Dublin?"

"This bridge and Dublin."

"Yeah me too"

You look to the ground. There's so many emotions encircling your soul, its new to you, all this, wanting this having spent so so long fighting it.

He turns to look at you and what he says knocks you for six.

"Ask me again."

You snap your head up, it takes you a minute, you think you know what he's asking, can't quite believe it so you have to check.

"Ask you what Steven?"

He's biting his bottom lip looking at you shyly as though he's being stupid.

"You know, what you asked me last night, I haven't given you an answer so you need to ask it again."

That swirl of emotion hits fever pitch, you can feel your whole body start to shake. He wants you to ask him, that one question you have held in your heart since that night in the deli, the one and only thing in your entire life that has mattered.

You reach with your shaking hand into your coat pocket. It's still there because you haven't taken it out. Holding the box in front of you, you look at him for reassurance and the way his eyes are looking into yours shining with love, gives you all the reassurance you need.

Opening the box reveals a thin silver band with a faint line of Gaelic art on one edge, he is looking at you with anticipation, reaching for his hand you take a deep breath.

Everything you have ever been scared about, the way in which you love suddenly is wiped away meaning nothing, this right here is the only thing.

These five words have never made you feel more alive as they leave your lips.

"Steven, will you marry me?"

"Yes! God yes Brendan yes yes yes, I will marry you." He jumps into your arms looking the happiest you think you have ever seen him.

The whole world you had spent your life running from disappears on the wind.

You seal this new one with a tender kiss.

As you pull away to place the ring on his finger, you dare not speak, you couldn't even if you had the breath. This is it now, Steven and you bound together forever, you have never felt love like it.

There's a tear running down your cheek, as you pull him into your arms.

"I love you Steven, this is forever. You and me, together, forever."

You both hold onto each other, tears flowing, as the world walks on by with no idea what it means to both of you to finally be right here where you both belong.


	14. Chapter 14

If someone had asked him what it was that he loved about Brendan Brady, his answer would be everything.

Yes in those early days it was filled with anger and pain but he knows now why it happened, what made Brendan be like that with him.

The years of abuse Brendan had suffered at the hands of that man pulling him into the darkness, making him not be able to love how he so desperately wanted to. Looking back on that time he still sees the love, he can see the beatings and the constantly walking away as Brendan trying to run from the love he felt for him, it may be a fucked up way to look at it but he wouldn't change it because they had to go through that to get to the other side, to when they were free and happy with each other.

He messed up so badly when Brendan left him that final time.

He couldn't think straight without him, he couldn't breathe. Every day and night the constant pain in his chest that just wouldn't go away, it was like a part of him had gone. The part he needed just to be.

No one understood, how could they, to them it was good riddance, that evil psycho Brendan Brady was where he belonged, gone for good.

So many times he wanted to stand in the middle of that bloody pub and shout that he was a good man that what they knew wasn't the truth. But he didn't he kept quiet the way he knew Brendan would want it, to protect precious Cheryl, yes his anger was directed at her, she took him, ended the life they so nearly had and left him with this new one.

He didn't care what he was doing, the life he was leading, once a scally council rat always a scally council rat. He knew that's what everyone now thought of him, so he kept on dealing putting himself in danger the more the better because he had nothing left only the pain that followed him everywhere.

It was when he found himself one night dipping into the coke and using it that he took a hard look at himself, he'd fallen so low he wondered if he could ever make it back, he didn't even know if there was reason to.

In the end it was his kids, when he saw a look in Leah's eyes that reminded him of his childhood and all the times he saw his Mam so screwed up and that's when he knew if he couldn't do it for himself then he had to do it for them.

So he did, he clawed his way up but the pain never left. The nights spent lying in bed staring at the ceiling thinking of Brendan doing the same in his cell never stopped, the dreaming of the life they had and the nightmares of him being taken still with him, all of it was there but he had to try and learn to carry it, otherwise there would be no way back.

After three years he was okay, surviving, he had Leah and Lucas back in his life and that was enough, he thought it was enough. He was kidding himself. The second he opened that letter it was like the world in which he was living was black and suddenly it was burst into colour.

The emotion he felt reading that first line;

 _I know I have no right to contact you, to suddenly out of the blue come back into your life and throw it off course._

Knocked him to the ground, he felt like his heart was bleeding and everything spinning, it was Brendan after the years and all that pain, Brendan was his world again.

He knew he'd go to Dublin no hesitation. His family were not happy, said that man was going to ruin his life again. It annoyed him that they never even meet him yet they had the view that seemed to go hand in hand with Brendan in that village. Amy was irate reminding him of how much he went through when he left, of how much he'd put him through the entire time he had known him. She thought she could use her trump card to stop him, the kids, that if he was back in that man's life she had to think of her children.

But none of it mattered, you told her and your family that you were going because you needed to do it to get closure to move on.

You half believed it.

He felt deep in his heart that too much had gone on in these three years that meant he was too broken, damaged, not Brendan's Ste. That he would be so disappointed in him that there was no way back for them.

So yes he got on that plane but he went with no grand romantic gestures in his head, instead he went with a heavy heart thinking it was all far far too late.

Seeing him on that bridge it felt like time had stopped and nothing had happen between the first time and this. Right then and there he didn't know if he could do it because he wouldn't survive if this man walked away again.

His head was a million mixed emotions. He ran because it was all too much. Brendan threw him by saying those words, words that he never imagined would come from his lips that he wanted to marry Ste. He was so off balance he did the only thing he could and chuck out there how bad a person he was, that he had changed, too much had happened. In some twisted way hoping that Brendan knowing that might make him change his mind and not turn his world upside down again.

He wasn't surprised Brendan caught him. When he kissed him for the first time since that night in the hospital it was like that hole he had in him that he carried around day in day out became a little smaller.

He went home with him so they could talk and Brendan didn't show disappointment in him, no, he showed pain at himself and what he had put him through, looking into his eyes it looked like his soul was breaking, that he just as much as you wanted to take it all back.

The sex was all them, there never was and hasn't been since, anyone that makes you feel like Brendan does. He lets you take what you want and gives it back in equal measures. He adores you, worships your body, shows you how desperately he wants you, needs you. It never falls to amaze you how turned on Brendan Brady is by you. He tells you you are his everything and you feel like you are home.

He can see how settled he is, how being in Dublin has given him focus. When Brendan shows him his new club he can see the light in his eyes and he is happy for him, all he has ever wanted since that night when he told him about that man, is for his world to be good again.

He came to Dublin with the idea in his head that their time had gone, couldn't be brought back, but these last twelve or so hours have changed that. He promised he would never feel any differently about Brendan and he doesn't, it was him that didn't have faith that Brendan could say the same. He loves him as he always has done, completely.

Sitting on the water's edge telling him about what he did, how he killed his mam, he thought he would lose him that this would be a push to far. But Brendan never fails to surprise him. He was reminded of that first time when he said he could hold his hand, as he looked down and saw Brendan's hand link into his. He knew right there and then no matter what happens he has to spend the rest of his life with this man, to never be apart again.

He knew it had to happen on the bridge, it had played such an important part in their life. The shock on Brendan's face when he told him to ask again was priceless, for a second when he asked you what you meant you thought it was too late, that you were being stupid.

Holding the box out to you he gave you that look only you know, the one where Brendan Brady is asking for reassurance because he's putting his heart out here and it scares him to death. You show him love, all the love in the world you have only for him.

When he asks you to marry him you can't say yes quick enough jumping into his arms, as he slips the ring onto your finger you can no longer hold back the tears, you have him back and he is yours, there is nothing and no one that you will ever let take that away again.

You feel like you can finally breathe.


	15. Chapter 15

You couldn't get him home fast enough, in fact a few times you didn't think you'd make it having to stop to pull his lips into yours, to taste him, to have him, this man that is now yours.

As you approach your apartment door Steven pulls you into him kissing you with pure filth. Jesus you can feel yourself getting hard already as you fumble for the key fob, crashing through the door you somehow manage to make it to the stairs without breaking contact. As you push him up against the hand rail you finally pull back resting your forehead against his, Steven already looks well and truly fucked.

"God look at you, fucking stunning"

He gives you your smile as you take his hand into yours, linking them you are struck by the sight of the ring on his finger, its makes your heart stop and blood rush, the feelings shooting through your soul indescribable.

"Come on Fiancé" You couldn't resist.

Stevens's whole face lights up in front of you.

"I guess that's me" he teases.

"Yeah, that would be you" you whisper pulling him with you and it makes you feel the most alive you have ever been.

As you make it inside your eyes stay locked as you both shrug off your coats. He has a look of pure want, pupil's dark, as he walks towards the bedroom, striping as he goes, he looks at you with a cheeky little grin. You think about pinching yourself to see if this is real.

As soon as you are through the door he is on you, exploring your mouth with his tongue whilst pushing his hand up under your top, it never fails to amaze you how his touch against your skin burns right through your body, bringing with it the most incredible high.

Pulling back to look at him you don't think you've ever wanted him more standing there, golden naked chest teasing you. There's something in the air tonight, you both can feel it, everything feels different.

Steven can sense it as he whispers against your lips.

"I know"

It breaks you out of the spell you are under and he takes no time in showing you exactly what he wants as he tugs at your belt and starts to undress you. You follow his lead ridding him of his jeans and boxers, pushing his naked body back onto the bed, he watches your rush to get undressed, the need you have to bring your bodies together. Taking his hand he starts to run it along his already rock hard dick, your jealous of that hand as you bend down and swipe your tongue along the vein rolling it as you reach the tip claiming it as your own. Steven gasps arching his body into you, following the contours of his body you run your tongue along his treasure trail, continuing up stopping to lap longingly at his nipple teasing it with your teeth, he's becoming a wreak beneath you, little breaths escaping his lips, moans deep in his chest. Taking your time you nibble and suck at that little spot on his neck that you know drives him wild, it's enough to have him pushing up against your dick begging for friction showing how desperate he is for you.

You know you have him where you want him as you stop, bringing your faces together, searching his eyes you see the love there is in them for you.

Steven brings his hand up and scratches his fingers across your chin.

"I like this" His tone full of suggestion.

"Ummm"

"The beard...I like it"

"Is that so?"

Steven leans in placing soft kisses down his cheek, along your jaw.

"Oh yes, I could get used to this" he mumbles whilst lightly kissing around your mouth.

He makes you laugh low in your throat.

"Really"

He continues his trail up, stopping just below your ear, licking his tongue along the edge. All the while you are leaning down on top of him.

He says low and breathy into your ear.

"I wanna feel it between my legs"

Fuck, you hear the most animalistic moan leave your lips.

"Jesus, the filth of you Steven"

He looks up with pure innocence, you intend to wipe the look right off his face.

You give him a playful kiss, putting all you weight onto one arm as you run your fingers along his jaw, looking down at him with a smirk.

"What?" He draws breath with expectation.

"I'm gonna test exactly how filthy that mouth is my boy" Steven widens his eyes in mock surprise.

You run your tongue along his mouth before taking him by surprise and diving straight down in between his legs, taking a second to make sure to brush your beard along the skin of his thighs and using your teeth to bite the skin before taking your tongue and swiping it across his hole in one quick move.

"Fuck fuck fuck Brendan" he manages whilst pushing his hips up to meet your mouth.

You smile.

"That's all you got there Steven…umm?" you tease before slowly pushing in the tip, which earns you a filthy groan.

"You fucking git" he lets out colourfully.

"Now now" you have him exactly where you want him.

As you explore with your tongue, you remember all the times you have done this before, how the taste of him on your tongue is better than any five star meal and the sounds he makes as you push slowly in and out drive you insane. His begging below you, desperately trying to get you to go deeper, it's one of the best sounds you think you have ever heard.

"Bren, please"

He makes your dick feel like its going to explode and god you don't know how you managed to get this boy, but Jesus you are never letting him out of your sight ever again.

Steven is in a hurry now grabbing for his dick. You let him have his way for a few minutes while you get your fill of his hole going in deep one final time before pulling out. Steven moans loudly at the loss of contact.

He knows what he's getting though as you bring two fingers to his lips which he takes hungrily into his mouth sucking on them longingly.

Already loose from the assault from your tongue you push into his hole with both fingers aiming straight at that spot inside him.

"Oh my god Brendan, fuck" he's a loud mess below you those moans shooting right to your dick, making your head spin. There's no point waiting anymore the need to be inside him is too much overriding all your senses, leaning down you take his bottom lip between yours and suck, releasing your fingers Steven breathes heavily into your lips.

"I need you Brendan, please, I want you inside me"

You can feel the growl low in your throat, you won't make him wait. You stretch over to the bedside drawer gripping hold of the lube and condoms, he shows you how desperate he is for you by taking the lube and spreading it onto his fingers and placing them to his hole, he gets himself ready for you and the sight of him is driving you crazy, hurrying you put the condom on your dick, you sit and watch in wonder for a second at this beautiful boy below you, he is the only one who has ever turned you on like this, made you feel like this. As he removes his fingers and brings his lube soaked hand to your dick and starts to work you like only he knows how you thank god and any other power in the universe for bringing Steven back to you.

As you bring your lips together in a passionate kiss Steven places your dick against his entrance, bringing his legs around your back telling you with his moves what he graves. Ghosting your lips against his you finally give him what he wants and push into him slowly, stopping slightly when you meet the residence of his hole but you know he can take you so you waste no time pushing all the way in, a primal groan escapes Stevens lips as you fill his body with you completely, you know in that moment that there is nothing that feels as good as this.

He arches to push you in deeper gripping his ankles tighter around your back, you have to have it all, you start to lose control as you pound his hole like you have been starved of it forever. The heat surrounding your dick his making you heady, the noises and begging from Steven driving you closer, he grabs hold of his dick matching your thrusts, both of you pushing into each other trying to get as much skin on skin as possible, to be as close as possible. You can feel all your senses snapping into line as you whole body is overcome with the pleasure of your building orgasm, Steven close below you as his hand becomes fanatic, both of you locked together taking it all. With a few more thrusts you can feel everything fall into line as Steven comes below you shouting out you name, within a split second his hole constricts around your dick causing your orgasm to burst out of you making you come almost in sink, as you close your eyes to the overwhelming pleasure you swear you can see stars, you bring your lips together kissing him deep and slow, both exchanging the heavy breathes of your come down.

Pulling out of him you pass him the wipes so he can clean himself up, his movements are slow and lethargic, he looks well and truly fucked. He turns to you his flush cheeks bringing out this features.

"So I guess we're not doing no sex before marriage then?" He laughs.

"To fucking right we're not"

"Arh Bren, don't you think it would be dead romantic"

You know he's teasing you but the thought of not having this boy even in the next 12 hours to you is unbearable.

"Good job I'm not romantic then aint it, cause I intend to have you again in what shall we say….two hours. So unless you can find someone to marry us in that time…" He elbows you in the ribs for playing with him.

"Just so you know Brendan, you are romantic, I mean come on you proposed to me on our bridge! It doesn't get any better than that"

You groan at him.

"Yeah well don't go banishing that about will you Steven, have a reputation to maintain and all"

He smirks at you, lightly kissing your lips.

"Yeah I know hard man Brendan Brady, but I know you're a big softy really"

For that you grab hold of him tickling just along his ribs where you know he can't stand it, he giggles and screams above you.

"Okay Okay! Stop I promise,…..your secrets safe"

You do it one more time, because fuck me if him like this on top of you isn't making you want him all over again.

"It better be Steven" you warn playfully.

He gulping in air as you let him go. He stays lying on top of you completely arm either side of your head, he smiles down at you, tilting his head slightly, you can see him thinking.

"Is this really happening?" it's as though he's reached into your head to read your thoughts.

You bring your hand up and stoke the pad of you thumb along his cheekbone.

"Yeah, I think it actually is."

You can hear the shake in your voice, the look in his eyes tells you he knows how big this is, how much it still scares you, but the smile you give back is confirmation that you're scared but in a good way.

"Brendan Brady marrying me, those words don't sound as though they should go together"

"Well they do now" You brush his lips.

"Because I Brendan Brady am going to marry you Steven Hay"

He smiles at you with pure joy, you guess hearing that will never get old for him, you will make sure it never does. He gives you a caste kiss and pushes up.

"And thank fuck for that" He's says whilst pushing up and jumping off the bed towards the bathroom.

"And you reckon you're romantic Steven" you shout after him as he leaves you grinning like an idiot.

You pull the duvet over your head and sigh at his parting words.

"Just you wait Brendan, I'm thinking carriage, doves, harps the whole lot"

Jesus you hope he's joking.


	16. Chapter 16

He's made you lunch, having left you to go to the corner shop while you showered for what he called.

"Proper food Brendan"

Sat here eating it you make a mental note to step up the gym, what with his food being too damn good. Spread across the table are the plans for the club, Steven taking a real interest, having made several recommendations.

His phone that's at the edge starts to ring, you can just make out on the display the name Leela, you remember it's one of these new sisters of his.

"I better take this, she'll be worried"

You give a slight nod, hating how the real world is trying to make its way in.

"Hey Lee" he moves to stand by the window, telling you to keep eating.

"I'm good, yeah everything's good"

You listen intently as you eat, by his facial features you can guess she's giving him some grief, you are in no doubt it's because of you.

After a few minutes he seems to have had enough.

"Look Lee I'm okay right, I'm at Brendan's and we're good okay, look I'll call you soon ok….yes I know….I'll let you know….love you too, bye."

"Everything okay Steven"

He resumes his place at the table.

He looks mildly pissed, she's got his back up.

"Just you know asking what I'm doing, saying the same thing, wants to know when I'm coming home."

It's out of your mouth before you can stop it.

"I don't want you to go back there Steven" because you don't, it physically hurts you to think of him not with you.

He pretends to stare at the plans.

"Is that what you want?" it sounds casual but it's anything but, you know this boy, you know he wears every one of his feelings on his sleeve.

You reach for his hand, the one with your ring gracing it, you play with it as you speak.

"If I had my way Steven you would never leave my side again, you would stay with me here, start building our life together" that's all you want, but you know he has a life there, and a family, you may have asked him to marry you but you don't know if that extends to now, him staying with you permanently.

He uses his finger to tilt your head back up to him.

"You asking me to move in with you Brendan?"

You take a breath.

"Yes Steven, I'm asking you to move in with me" you laugh.

Suddenly his moves grabs his phone and takes a picture of you.

"What's that for?" You ask confused.

"You asking me to move in on the same day you ask me to marry you, gotta record that moment Brendan, no one will believe it!"

"Cheeky git...that a yes then?"

He places his lips against yours and whispers, "I can't be without you ever again either, it's a yes another yes, all yes's"

Kissing him you feel like the luckiest man alive.

* * *

"I need to go back"

You're both at the sink washing up.

Those words make you drop your head and lean on the counter for support. You knew that Steven coming here was only temporary to get closure as he put it. But for the last 24 hours you have pushed it to the back of your mind, him having to go back to that village, leaving you.

He stops washing and looks at you. He can see the conflict on your face, it makes him look at you with concern.

"I only meant to come for a day Bren, just to see you, you know."

You nod your head slightly.

"I mean I've not got clothes, nothing."

You want to tell him he can have yours, he can have everything, just as long as it doesn't mean going back.

Turning and walking away from him, you know what he's saying makes sense. Of course he has to go, his life's there, family, job, if he is going to come to Dublin then he will need to go back there to pack up his life in order to start over with you.

"Brendan" He says it quietly, his voice worried, it's like he knows what talk of that place can do to you. You guess he must do as he comes up to you placing his arms around your neck.

"I need to go. I have to tell my family about us, tell Tony"

He kisses you lightly trying to ease the tension that is suddenly seeping into your body.

"I have to go get my things, so that I can be here with you in Dublin Bren, so we can start getting our life, yours and mine, back."

You give him a shy smile, he whispers ever so quietly against your lips.

"You know I do"

He's right, of course he is but it doesn't make you feel any less uneasy.

He kisses you with strength, you think he's telling you he has enough for both of you, you hope he does because the thought of that village makes you weak.

Unlocking your lips he looks at you.

"I love you Brendan, you and me we are gonna do this, okay."

God the love he shows astounds you, it makes you love him all the more.

"Bren" He pulls back a little from you, there's a sense you won't like his next question.

"I need you to come with me"

Your blood runs cold as you step away from him, you're shaking your head, no, no way are you going back there. He's urgent with you because he can see you retreating into that shell of yours that you still seem to carry when things bring you back to the past.

"Brendan, I can't be without you, not ever again"

"No Steven, I'm not going back there, I can't go back there, you know. You know…" You can't finish the sentence because suddenly there are flashes of that place invading your thoughts, Walker, the club, Chez, Steven….him. It's all spinning making the walls close in and your breathing heavy.

You can't have these thoughts in your head, trying to infect this new life you are building. All the months of therapy kick in, you need to give yourself a little space to breathe.

Looking at Steven you can see the worry on his face, you take your hand and hold it to his cheek.

"Give me ten okay, I need air"

You feel unsteady, your body telling you it needs to get out of there.

"Brendan…" He's looks scared that you are leaving him, your heart tells you it's because he's had too much practice.

"Hey, it's okay, really, it helps. It's something I've learnt. I'm not running out on you okay? I promise, just ten minutes, just give me ten minutes." You rub your thumb over his bottom lip.

"Okay" He says on shaking breath.

Heading to the door you grab your coat and leave before any more of that past life creeps into this new one.

You walk and you breathe moving as fast as you can. Those thoughts are swimming around in your head. There always there, never truly disappeared, but you know how to cope with them, how to ensure they don't take hold, that's why you had to walk out on him, you need space to take these thoughts and lock them back down, they will not infect this new life you are building, you will not let them come between you and Steven, not ever again.

You told yourself you would never step back there, there's been too much, you've been through too much. There's this feeling inside you, this dread, that if you go back to that village the bad will worm its way back in like somehow it goes hand in hand. Those last days erased everything good that you and Steven had going on, tore your world apart, and part of you is scared that stepping foot in that god forsaken place will pull at the string of this still fragile thing you and Steven are trying to build.

You know the one thing that you are absolutely terrified of more than anything else is losing him again.

Pushing those snippets of memoires back into the place you keep them, you bring yourself back to here and now, where Steven is.

He has to go back of course he does. He told you he wants to be here with you, share a life, marry you, so it's not unreasonable that he needs to go there to move on and to be able to do that.

You remember what he said, that he needs you to go with him because he can't be without you ever again and you know it's true for you too.

Stopping to take in deep breathes there's a battle going on in your head and your heart between the fear of going back there and the fear of Steven not being with you, leaving you to go back there on his own.

If you had your way he wouldn't go, he'd let you buy him new stuff all the things he needed, pay for someone to go there and bring his things to Dublin, but you know how stubborn he is, how if his minds set on it there's no going back.

After several minutes you are confident enough to walk back. Rounding the corner to your flat a new thought clouds your mind, and it isn't pretty, in fact it brings a pain that courses through your veins.

As much as you may not want to go back to that village, that's a choice you have made because you could, but Steven he had no choice, you left him there with all that darkness and pain, it infected his life for more years than you, nearly brought him down, he had no way out.

Suddenly it's simple to you, he's asking you to help him leave that behind, to pack up his old life and take a chance on a new one. It may scare you but you will do it, you owe him that and the thing you hold onto rather than the fear is that both of you will be doing it together.


End file.
